I wonder if he thinks of her still the way I do. If he still cares. If he still visits her spot and talks about her on her birthday. If he marvels over her hand and footprints (big like his are) and her locket of hair. I wonder if he achingly notices the missing piece in his family the way I do in my family. If he thinks of the cousin/granddaughter/niece/daughter who isn't there.
I wonder if all that's happened has been heavy for him to carry like it's been for me all these years, or if the weight of her in my womb has now made the weight I carry in my heart more than what he carries.
I've said it feels like I'm a single mother, only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.
It feels unfair that I feel more damaged than him. That because I was the one who carried Lily and birthed her, because I had the bond that only a mother can have, that I now experience the anguish of her loss more fully.
At the same time, I feel guilty that I got to bond with her in a way he didn't... like he missed out and it feels like it was partly my fault.
So many complex emotions surround that man. So much that hasn't been resolved. But there is nothing I can do about it.
People don't often talk about what the loss of a child does to the parents as a unit. People don't talk about the bond when you have a child with someone and the pain that comes when that bond is severed. People don't talk about the repercussions of when you don't follow God's plan for life and relationships.
His absence is a reminder of hers, so I feel it deeply this time of year. If she were here, he'd be in my life. He's not here and I haven't spoken to him in years. There's no need. She's gone. And so is our love.
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| About a year before Lily was born |
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| A brief family of 3 |
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| March 16, 2010 |
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| Lily's hands with her daddy's |
This random little drawing is something Lily Kat's daddy sketched when I was carrying her. It's now in her scrapbook. A picture of what might have been. The "what ifs" are hard to live with and something I must surrender to the Lord every day.
This is a poem I wrote a few years ago... God has truly done a huge work in my heart since then, but certain times of year trigger the feelings...
The pain of so many losses;
A future, hopes, dreams, love, purity, innocence, a sweet little flower
Nothing on Earth can mend the wounds
It will be only by HIS power
The anguish of goodbyes
The agony of regret
What I'd give to go back
What I'd do to forget
In so many faces, I see his
He visits me in my dreams
I keep it all bottled up
But inside there are silent sobs and screams
They say "time heals all wounds,"
Five years since the drift
And I'm still waiting
For the crushing weight to lift
When her perfect heart stopped beating
The pulse of our love ceased too
I didn't just lose our little flower
How do I let go?
How do I move on?
I cling to HIM in my frailty
And wait for HIS redemption song...
*You can read all the posts I've written about Lily's daddy by clicking here.
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