Fast Forwarding and Rewinding

When Lily was born, when I held her precious tiny body in my arms... she was so silent... so still... my tears spilling out on cheeks that would never feel her own tears.

It's almost like in that moment of reveling in newborn goodness, baby girl sweetness and purity, I could picture Lily as an old woman.

I held her, this being so fresh from God, and in my mind's eye, the movie reel of her life played out... only, it didn't go forward, but backwards. Instead of holding my baby girl dreaming of what will be, I held my baby girl and dreamed of what never will. I ached over the life that wouldn't be lived out. I ached over the childhood lost, the babies and grand-babies of her own that she'd never hold. I saw all these events and memories of the full type of life that only someone elderly could understand. I saw them going backwards, fast forwarding and rewinding at the same time. Erasing what never will be in the first place.

But still my heart and my mind saw the movie of her life play out. My mother heart naturally somehow knew at least to some extent what could have been, what I dreamed would have been. The life she would have treasured even long after I was in the ground.

It reminds me of a poem by Tricia Richards on stillbirth in which one line she writes, "We cannot remove the shroud of death that holds you still."

The shroud of death held her body still in that moment. It holds her body still in this moment nearly 8 years since her birth. It holds what might have been still, frozen on could-have-would-have-should-haves. 💗

A Second Heart

"Your memory beats inside me like a second heart."

Happy Valentine's Day, my sweet Heavenly Valentine! ❤️

My mom wrote this beautiful poem for me in Lily's honor for Valentine's Day 2011:

GOODBYE LILY KATHERINE

By Ginny Allen, Lily's Grandmother

In my daughter's womb, grew her gift from above.

We readied a room, for her wee one to love.

On our merry way rejoicing, to a glorious celebration.

Expecting our flower’s arriving, Jesus' tears hid the sun.

God had bid her go before we said, "Hello."

Goodbye budding life. Goodbye shattered dreams.

Goodbye precious babe lying still in our arms.

Goodbye sweet nursing and soft cries.

Goodbye to rocking and lullabies.

Goodbye wonder and curiosity.

Goodbye to kissing who you would be.

Goodbye to hearing "grandma" and "mama" too.

Goodbye to discovering wonderful you.

Goodbye snuggling you to our hearts.

Goodbye tore our lives apart.

Goodbye to our pure Lily Katherine.

Goodbye ‘til we meet you in Heaven.

His Absence Is a Reminder of Hers

The time of year leading up to Lily's birthday always makes me think of her daddy.

I wonder if he thinks of her still the way I do. If he still cares. If he still visits her spot and talks about her on her birthday. If he marvels over her hand and footprints (big like his are) and her locket of hair. I wonder if he achingly notices the missing piece in his family the way I do in my family. If he thinks of the cousin/granddaughter/niece/daughter who isn't there.

I wonder if all that's happened has been heavy for him to carry like it's been for me all these years, or if the weight of her in my womb has now made the weight I carry in my heart more than what he carries.

I've said it feels like I'm a single mother, only I'm mothering my child's grave and legacy, rather than her vibrant, present life.

It feels unfair that I feel more damaged than him. That because I was the one who carried Lily and birthed her, because I had the bond that only a mother can have, that I now experience the anguish of her loss more fully.

At the same time, I feel guilty that I got to bond with her in a way he didn't... like he missed out and it feels like it was partly my fault.

So many complex emotions surround that man. So much that hasn't been resolved. But there is nothing I can do about it.

People don't often talk about what the loss of a child does to the parents as a unit. People don't talk about the bond when you have a child with someone and the pain that comes when that bond is severed. People don't talk about the repercussions of when you don't follow God's plan for life and relationships.

His absence is a reminder of hers, so I feel it deeply this time of year. If she were here, he'd be in my life. He's not here and I haven't spoken to him in years. There's no need. She's gone. And so is our love.

About a year before Lily was born

A brief family of 3

March 16, 2010

Lily's hands with her daddy's

This random little drawing is something Lily Kat's daddy sketched when I was carrying her. It's now in her scrapbook. A picture of what might have been. The "what ifs" are hard to live with and something I must surrender to the Lord every day.

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago... God has truly done a huge work in my heart since then, but certain times of year trigger the feelings...

The pain of so many losses;

A future, hopes, dreams, love, purity, innocence, a sweet little flower

Nothing on Earth can mend the wounds

It will be only by HIS power

The anguish of goodbyes

The agony of regret

What I'd give to go back

What I'd do to forget

In so many faces, I see his

He visits me in my dreams

I keep it all bottled up

But inside there are silent sobs and screams

They say "time heals all wounds,"

Five years since the drift

And I'm still waiting

For the crushing weight to lift

When her perfect heart stopped beating

The pulse of our love ceased too

I didn't just lose our little flower

I lost the both of you

How do I let go?

How do I move on?

I cling to HIM in my frailty

And wait for HIS redemption song...

*You can read all the posts I've written about Lily's daddy by clicking here.

My Valentine's Baby Shower

Today is full of precious memories for me. On this date 8 years ago - February 13th, 2010 - I had my Valentine's-themed baby shower. It was the day in between my Half-Birthday (yes, I celebrate those lol) and Valentine's Day. The Vancouver Winter Olympics were on at the time. I miss my little Valentine, but am incredibly thankful for happy memories like from that day. ❤️

I was 35 weeks pregnant. Everything was pink for my sweet little princess.

I made the baby shower invitations. During my pregnancy, I got really into card-making. I spent hours in December making Christmas cards to send to basically everyone my family knows. The top left photo shows the two invites that I sent out. I kept two for myself and am so thankful I did. They are now in Lily's memory chest. One of the invitations was supposed to look like a heart-shaped chocolate box and the other one was supposed to look like a sweethearts candy box. On the back where there is nutrition information on candy, I had information about the shower. Also pictured in the top left photo is the "It's a GIRL" balloon from my shower that I keep in Lily's memory chest.

The top middle photo is of the area in the kitchen where we had the "beverage center" where the ladies could have tea or other drinks. Also pictured are the gift bags I put together for my guests. I kept one of the bags that I created and now have that in my memory chest.

The top right picture is of the cake we had at the shower. It was red-velvet, in honor of Valentine's Day. That's where I started the tradition of having red-velvet cake for Lily's birthday each year. It will always remind me of her now. It said "A Lily Among Thorns" from the Scripture verse Song of Solomon 2:2 "Like a lily among the thorns, so is my darling among the maidens." (in honor of her name, Lily.)

The bottom left picture is of all the food we had at the shower. I *and Lily* ;) ate so much! It was delicious. We had strawberries (which were a huge craving for me during pregnancy) dipped in melted chocolate, crackers and cheese, cream cheese turkey roll-ups, cookies, and other Valentine's delights.

The bottom center photo is of everyone that was at my shower. From left to right: my sister Emma, my mom, me and Lily, Jean, Sarah, and Stephanie. At that time, I had moved back to North Carolina recently and didn't know many people in the area, except those from years ago when I lived here. Most of my old friends were away at college or had moved to another state. We were planning on having another baby shower with family and friends when we went to Virginia in May.

I got that dress at the Love in Bloom maternity store, which was across the street from the hospital where I had my prenatal appointments and where Lily was born. I also wore that same dress to Lily's Celebration of Life Service, about a month and a half later.

The bottom right picture is of the pink roses that were on display at my shower, which I dried out and now have in a vase in my bedroom. Also pictured is the scrapbook pink paper with a heart that everyone wrote a message to Lily and me. I now have that in Lily's scrapbook.

I was so proud to show off my big baby belly. We had lots of fun playing games and video recorded some of the shower. Some of the things people said were so funny and make me smile to go back and watch/listen. One of the games we played was people used toilet paper to guess how big around they thought I was and then they held it up to my belly to see how accurate they were. My sister and friend Sarah both got it exactly right! Some were way too long and I was like, geez, how big do I look?! Haha. I saved that piece of toilet paper that was the correct guess and am so glad I have it.

My shower was so much fun and I am so thankful for these precious memories with my sweet girl! It was a happy time and I treasure those happy memories! #AdventureswithLilyKat

All Sorts of Happy-Sad

I posted this cute status on my Facebook page 8 years ago today.

My active baby girl, always dancing and squirming around.

This post I wrote at 35 weeks pregnant makes me all sorts of happy-sad now. It makes me wistful with memories of her moving. And more than anything, it reminds me of the full life she did live. ❤️  #missheralways #thirdtrimester #pregnancymemories

And look, my friend Hannah commented on the post. Click here to read the crazy story of our friendship.

Half Agony, Half Hope

I recently came across this quote by Jane Austen that astutely captures where my heart is now... "I am half agony, half hope."

On January 1st, I moved to Virginia for a ministry job that I love. It's an answer to prayer and such a JOY to be doing what I'm passionate about and feel called to.

Exploring my new area is fun. God has awakened this adventurous spirit within me, something that has always been there but in many ways lay dormant because of loss. I am grabbing hold of my life as a single woman. I recognize that there are MANY perks to the single life. I'm able to move to another state for a job. I'm able to move in with a girlfriend. I'm able to go to the ski resort with friends because I feel like it, or to a UVA college basketball game, or hiking, or to the coffee shop to enjoy a dirty chai (which I've been super into lately, by the way) for hours with a book or my laptop. I am able to try new churches and spontaneously grab dinner with a friend on a weeknight without prior planning. I am able to dream of short trips overseas to visit friends or potential long-term trips to work and live. I am incredibly thankful that the Lord has given me passion and purpose in my singleness and that I am able to appreciate the gift it is and the independence and freedom I have.

But let me just say that I am at the point in my life that I feel soooo ready and eager for the inconveniences and changes that come with being a wife and mama to littles (on Earth).

I appreciate while I ache.

Half agony, half hope.

Agony for the life I long for, hope because of where I am and for where I hope to one day be. Agony because I can't see what God is doing, hope because I know He is still moving even when I cannot see.

On a day where I am smiling most of the day, thanking the Lord for all the big and small ways I see Him in the intricate details, going before me and preparing the way... at the end of that same day of hope and joy and life, I lay awake in my bed and tears come. Tears not because I am displeased or discontent with my life. But tears because this is not the life that I thought would be. Tears for the life that I long for with every ounce of my heart and soul.

I can feel guilty for even wanting that life. Like it's somehow wrong. After all, for some reason God has chosen to withhold these things from me. Would it be the more godly thing to not desire? I wish many times that I could be completely focused on Eternity that things of this world, even good and beautiful things, didn't phase or attract me.

But I can't pretend that there isn't a part of my heart that feels like it's meant to be a mommy. I can't pretend that a part of my heart doesn't long to wear the white gown and pledge my love to one man for the rest of my days. I know that God alone truly satisfies, but I also know He cannot be those things to me and as much as He fulfills, those parts of my heart are empty and desolate without the children and husband I have never met and may not ever even be real.

I can't pretend I don't feel like the only one waiting for all the things I'm waiting for... a man, a home to call my own, babies to raise... I can't pretend I don't resent when people who are single say they understand my yearning for a family when really how could they if their empty arms shouldn't already be filled like mine should be? 8 loooooong years. My heart thorbbing when everyone else gets their happy ending after not waiting nearly as long as me. When people have rainbows and I'm still in the dark, walking alone, even without the comfort and solace that comes from having a spouse.

I can't pretend that I don't resent that I resent these things.

Even with all the agony, there is hope. Hope because I know one day all the agony will wash away, whether my waiting ends in this life or not. And hope because I know that my God is still good and I will continue screaming it into the dark night of my soul. Hope because as John Piper wrote, "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life and you may be aware of three of them." I know that in the agony, He is working.

You Made Me a Mother

First child of my womb.

First child of my heart.

It's been 9 years since you were here.

9 years since the only memories I have "of your life." Seeing Barack Obama get inaugurated. Watching the Super Bowl. Cold winter weeks. Nausea. Consuming fear. Gripping panic.

My sweet baby who was only here for a few short weeks.

You were but a vapor, silently blowing through the chambers of my soul, leaving me changed by the secret beating of your heart. A heart that beat for much too short a time. A heart that bequeathed my own as "mother." ❤️  #LukeShiloh #February6th #2009 #6weeks #iregretmyabortion #redemption #missyoualways #itsaforeverchoice #postabortionhealing

My Forever Valentine ❤️

My forever Valentine ❤️ 💕 🌹 💕 ❤️  

Lily's special spot is all ready for the month of February! What do ya think, is the rose big enough? ;)

Single Ladies: Let's Turn Outward on Valentine's Day

So... Valentine's Day is just around the corner and let's be honest, for singles it can be a day that makes you all 😩 ... The hearts, the cards, and the sappy romance in the air can be a huge (pink and red) reminder that you are oh so alone.

What if instead of sulking on this day, and instead of begrudgingly referring to it as "single's awareness day," what if we took it as an opportunity to encourage the single girlfriends in our lives? What if we sent cards (or flowers 💐  or chocolates 🍫 ) to these friends (who likely otherwise won't receive anything), reminding them of God's love, sovereignty, and goodness... cards that encourage them to not grow weary, to trust that God is in control and not to settle. 💌 

What if instead of sitting at home drowning our feelings in a gallon of ice-cream 🍦 on the couch, we went out with some of our single girlfriends? Not as a protest of Valentine's Day, but as a way to get out and enjoy life and have some fun... go get your nails done, get dressed up (always a good idea) 👗 👛 👠 and go out to a classy restaurant. Go on an adventure, however that might look.

Just don't let resentment and bitterness take root. Do what ya gotta do to combat it and fight for joy and trust. And to remember that you aren't the only one who struggles. Maybe we can come alongside our single sisters and help them learn to be content in Christ as we do. Even show love to the widows you know, spoil the kiddos you know, your mom, etc. Turn outward instead of inward. ❤️ 💗 

Do you have any ideas or thoughts to add?

Lily Remembered in Uruguay

Lily was remembered by Abigail in Uruguay in South America! 😍 ❤️ 🌊 ☀️ 🐚 🐳 🐬 🐟 🐠  #LilyKatsNameintheSand #LilyKatTravelstheGlobe

This Is My Normal

Just some shopping for Valentine's Day for my two favorite girls.

Decor to make my daughter's resting place look pretty and a new stuffed animal to add to my niece's ever-growing and beloved collection. :)

This is my normal. 💗 ❤️

Time Stood Still

Someone so sweetly made this for me... 😌

Isn't it somethin' how numbers, time, and a date can mean ever so much?...

Numbers that tell the weight and length of a little girl who had weight in this world.

❤️ 7 pounds 9 ounces and 21 inches

Time that tells the time of birth of a real little girl who was really born and is truly loved.

❤️ 4:24 p.m.

A date that holds the memory of the hugs, kisses, and snuggles that would need to last a lifetime.

❤️ Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Numbers, dates, and time mean much more than they may seem. They are cherished in my heart and can never be changed or taken away. They tell the story of a life. They tell the story of an unending and unceasing love. They tell the story of my motherhood.

What are the dates, numbers, and times for you?