Today, March 12th, is the date I had guessed Lily would be born, when really it's the day I now believe she was born into Heaven. My doctor said she had been gone some days when I delivered her. March 12, 2010 was the last day I remember feeling her kick and squirm. The next day was when the sciatica pain started and it felt as if she was floating around in my stomach. It was such a strange feeling and I still remember it so clearly...how did I not know it wasn't normal? How did I not know she was gone?
One moment she was here and the next she was gone. At what exact moment did she slip away and I not even know it? My babe, still in my womb, yet with the Lord. I awaited her arrival, not realizing she was already waiting for me in the Kingdom. Did it happen when I was sleeping? Was I talking and laughing, oblivious to the fact that in that moment my little girl was cradled in the arms of sweet Jesus?
Did she feel any pain? Did she go in her sleep? Did she go in my sleep? I told my brother recently that I wonder if she died during the night when I was lying a certain way. Maybe she was on her cord and cut off her life-supply. What if one movement of my own ended her life and changed the rest of mine? That's a difficult question. But I cling to knowing and trusting that God is sovereign and greater than medical explanations. I believe my little girl was meant to be my daughter of Heaven.
In the moment before she slipped away, did she know she was about to go? Did I somehow know too and now I just can't recall it? Was there a sadness somewhere deep within her, knowing she was never to see my face? Maybe she somehow knew the purposes God sent her for and that they'd already been fulfilled. Maybe she knew she'd never get to live and play and twirl and swirl here on Earth, so she was ready to go...
At times, if I think too much about all this, it makes me heart incredibly heavy and saddened. Maybe it sounds strange though that more than saddened, it makes my heart sing with thankfulness and joy! He chose me to carry her, a set-apart princess, betrothed to the King before her birth. We're both in the center of His perfect will. There is no other place I'd rather be. What peace and joy comes in knowing my daughter gets to spend her life basking in God's glory! She will never know sin and sorrow, she will never be tainted by this world. She is pure and innocent always, my sweet Lily Katherine.
Today, the day that marks 7 years since she lived on Earth, I can almost hear her whisper to my heart... Mommy, I am more alive here than I ever was there! I will see your face one day and you will gaze into my eyes. I am your daughter of Heaven and I am twirling and swirling and doing all that little girls do, here on streets of gold, here where there is such beauty your Earthly mind could not ever imagine or comprehend. I can't wait for you to see Jesus face-to-face too. He tells me all about you! I'm cheering you on, mommy!! I'm so proud of you for being my voice, Luke's voice, and the voice of other mommies and babies. Keep clinging to Him, for the time is coming soon when we'll be together for all Eternity...
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A couple years ago on this exact date, I stumbled upon a song that I know Jesus led me to, as a gift of hope on the anniversary of the day Lily Katherine went HOME to be with Him forever, in the place where she waits for me. It reminds me of the words He put on my heart that you just read above.
Here are the lyrics:
I was awakened last night.
To the sound of dancing feet above me.
I thought they were on my roof.
'Til it struck me – they were on golden streets.
Opened my eyes and saw
What I thought was an angel dancing.
She was a perfect child.
She looked at me and smiled – and sang this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
Her hair was golden
like it was woven from the streets she danced upon.
She was laughing and spinning.
She couldn’t stop singing this song.
“Mama can you hear me?
Daddy can you feel me?
I’m made whole.
I’m at home.
I’m dancing on streets of gold.
Don’t stop holding on.”
This is Amy’s Song
This is Amy’s Song.
From her streets of gold
She is singing you a song.
Singing you a song.
Don’t stop holding on.
Can you see her at His throne
With her hair of gold?
She is holding – holding on
To the threads of His robe.
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song
She is singing you a song of hope.
“Hope is being born in you
Hope is being woven.
Hope is being born in you
Hope is coming.
Don’t stop holding on.”
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