Throbbing in My Heart

My sweet friend Tina who I met through my blog and also lost her daughter to stillbirth at full-term, left this thoughtful comment recently:

"I thank you for taking the time to share... you help me to process. Your blog slows me down in our busy life and helps me to focus on my grief that is always throbbing in my heart. It needs attention and tending to so that I can be healthy. That is how your blog helps me..."

It resonated with me when she said the grief is "always throbbing in her heart." That's exactly how I feel. Even all these years later, I feel like I must share in order to be healthy. Not only are these the only ways I can be a mother at all, but I tend to my hurting heart by writing, by speaking about Lily, sharing about her, projects and creating things for her, getting memorial items for her, and reaching out in many different ways to others because of her.

Some might think these things make me "stuck" or not healthy, when really it's the complete opposite. My mom once said to me that just as her 4 children are in her thoughts every day, it's only natural that my child is in mine every day. I don't understand how people can't comprehend that. Lily is still every inch as much my child as anyone else's. There is still as much love in my heart for her as other parents hold for their living children. I still want to talk about her like other parents. I still am proud of her like others are about their children.

It's a natural and healthy thing for those who have lost a baby to want to talk about them. And our parenting them is just as valid. Like my friend Stacy once said to me, my motherhood might look different than other people's, especially with no living children, but it is no less important or real.

Receiving words like Tina's bless my heart tremendously, to see how my girl's life and legacy continues to impact people in many different ways, even 7 years after her birth and death. Knowing that in my sharing, even just one mommy can process her own love and grief more is more than I could ask for.

As the years pass, in many ways it feels like I am getting further away from Lily, and further away from the time when it's societally acceptable to outwardly process my journey being a bereaved mother. It lifts me up to know God is still using her, that people are still reading and still care, and that there are those who are not sick of hearing about her.

If Lily has impacted your life, if you are here reading, whether as a new reader or a long-time reader, I would love to hear from you. It helps spur me on and comforts my heart. ❤️