The Echo of His Heartbeat

Early year bares a flood of memories from early year 2009.

Now 8 years ago.

19-years-old, in a bathroom with positive pregnancy test in hand and fear in heart. A pledge of abstinence long since forgotten, slipped through fingers.

Blurry memories of sleepless nights, depths of agony and regret, wondering how does a "good Christian girl" find herself here. How did I even get "here?" How did my convictions of waiting until marriage and honoring God get buried beneath the pressures and the temptations? The longing to be loved, to be known, to be chosen.

More blurry memories: From 15 and wearing a red LIFE bracelet, to 19 googling abortion clinics. Wanting normalcy back. Wanting to get "it" over with. Early morning appointment. February 6th. An invasive ultrasound, but no sound or sight of the flicker of life. Being told it would be normal to feel sad for a couple days, but if I was still feeling sad after that, it wouldn't be normal and I should seek help. Driving down the road with oversized sunglasses to hide the never-ending stream of tears. My friend who was being the best friend she knew how to be for me. Does she ever think of that day? Does she think of how she cared for me that night? It hurts to wonder if she carries that shame or one day will carry the regret of her involvement. Those little pills that would change my life and end another. Another day and night of waiting, blood clots, nausea, sleep.

A sadness that would seep its way into my bones and would never fully leave. A sadness that for a while would disguise itself as relief, but would eventually be revealed. Shame and desperation allowed deception to take root.

My child's heartbeat echoes in my memory. I never heard it and didn't bond with him while he was here those short few weeks. But it echoes because even though I didn't want to recognize that I already had a baby, his heart that began beating at only 18 days gestation reminds me that I did. I chose for this heartbeat to cease and a year later, another heartbeat would cease within my body that wasn't my choice. Both hearts beat on in Eternity. Both hearts changed mine. The ceasing of one left me with regret, while the ceasing of the other left me with peace. The difference being the surrender to God's sovereign will.

There is a lot of talk swirling around this time of year with the March for Life and the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, coinciding with these memories.

Never stop sharing. For him, for them, and for us.