The First Granddarling

Someone recently asked my mom if she had any other grandchildren besides the baby to be born in May and she said no. Honestly, it stung a little when I heard her say no. However, I understand.

It's difficult for her. She weighed what she was going to say in that brief moment and decided this woman who was asking will most likely never see her again and therefore she does not need to know about Lily. She doesn't need to be in that uncomfortable position of awkwardly stating, "Oh, I'm so sorry..." My mom didn't want to feel vulnerable and exposed, with tears in her eyes and possibly spilling down her cheeks.

I get that. I really do.

And honestly, I don't always answer with the truth when people ask me if I have any children. I am not married and I can't always go into this whole heavy story in a couple minutes.

It doesn't mean we love Lily any less. It doesn't mean she isn't counted. It doesn't mean we are denying her.

It simply means it's complicated and not everyone needs to enter into it, not all the time.

Now, if it's someone we do know, we will always tell the truth. Recently, someone (who knows about Lily and is pro-life and heavily involved with pro-life ministry) asked my mom if my niece was her first grandchild. I felt hurt in that moment. Here I am standing there, knowing she knows about my precious baby girl. And I said, "No, Lily is her first." She felt bad after it, I could tell. But I just wish people would be a little more sensitive when broaching this subject.

Never before could I have realized such simple questions like "is this your first child or grandchild" could be so painful or cut so deep. Never before did I realize it's not always a quick "yes" or "no" answer.

This time of expecting another baby in my family is bittersweet. Please be gentle on us. Please try to understand. It will be difficult going to "Lily's hospital" when her cousin is born this spring.

I know my mom loves her first "granddarling," as she calls her. I know she will always view her as her first and will always miss her.

I just wish Lily's presence in our lives could be seen by everyone else, physically and tangibly.

This is my mom's phone background. It's an ultrasound photo of Lily. I love that she has that. The screenshot was taken at 3:16, Lily's birthday. My mom and I both always seem to look at the clock at that time. And we always say, "look, it's 3:16." Our baby girl, always on our hearts, in our thoughts, and present in our conversations... even when she's invisible to others.