Lily's Angel Heart

I love artwork from Carly Marie. Here is the latest one I received. It's an "Angel Heart." :)

It Is Well

Through tears, I spilled my heart to this kindred-friend of mine, "I thought seasons were supposed to end... but this season of being single and childless seems to be endless."

I know the single ladies in their 30s, 40s, and 50s are rolling their eyes right now, because a 26-year-old said that. Perhaps it is a bit dramatic. And in light of Eternity, my entire life on Earth will be but a breath when I one day look back upon it.

However... now... in the midst of this loneliness and not being able to see what I know God sees, it's hard. 

I know I've written about it before... but when God asked me to surrender and relinquish the relationship with Lily's father and then found Lily's purpose on Earth to be completed before drawing her first breath, well... you see, I assumed God would surely one day bless me with a godly husband and children to call my own that I actually get to hear them call me "mommy" and give them warm hugs and more "I-love-yous" than the ocean could hold. 

Surely, I presumed, after the suffering I had experienced and at such a young age, God wouldn't require singleness of me for life. Surely, He wouldn't take my child from me to then go on and never give me another.

Right?!?!

Honestly, that's what makes this singleness thing so stinking hard. Because I thought God would one day restore to me what was lost. Because I am a mother who has had to watch others I know who have also lost a baby go on and have a child (or 2 or 3). Because I see what seems like everyone around me being given every gift I long for. Because 18-year-olds I know are getting married and I wonder what I'm lacking? I wonder what do I still need to do or what level of spiritual maturity or healing do I need to reach before God will think I'm ready for a husband? Am I single because I would be an awful wife and mother? Do I not make a desirable wife? Will Lily be the only child I ever birth... real, yet intangible, untouchable. Will I live my life alone, knowing I'm a mother, but nobody even able to see that is true. And many people not even considering her real or me a real mother since I'm not a parent in a "traditional sense."

My life feels like an old record that's gotten stuck, not able to move ahead in the song. I look around and see everyone else dancing to beautiful songs. I have felt left behind. I have felt forgotten and abandoned by God. Does He love those other people more than me?! Does He see my ache of loneliness?! 

A couple weeks ago, Nancy Leigh DeMoss from the ministry Revive Our Hearts, got married for the first time at the age of 57. She did a series to be an encouragement to single women. She shared letters and comments from single women who are decades older than me, women who have always longed to get married and have a family of their own, but God hasn't answered that prayer, and He also hasn't taken the desire away.

For some reason, I can't stop thinking about these women. That might be me one day. There is no guarantee that I will one day get married, though it seems everyone likes to assume it'll eventually happen. Who are we to assume God's will? And the truth? I am terrified of being single for the rest of my life. These older women are proof that just because I want it doesn't mean it's going to happen. And He might never take the desire away, even if I never am meant to get married. 

Last Sunday at church, we sang the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul..." And as the words spilled off my lips, I felt Him ask me... "Is it? Is it really well?" And I felt convicted that I was singing those words, yet realized that what I have found to make my soul well is conditional. Is my soul well... if I get married? If I have more babies? Or is it well because it is HIM ALONE who makes it well, despite my circumstances? Even if I am locked in a dark and cold prison cell for my faith, or spend my life alone, I am never truly alone because I have Him. And He is truly all I need. With all the craziness going on the world lately, I realize more and more how much I need Him. And with Him, it is truly WELL.

When I was a teenager, and even a preteen, I believe some of the choices I made were because I was "looking for love in all the wrong places" as "they" say. As I was talking to the Lord about being single this week, He reminded me of that. And then He showed me how I'm currently doing the same thing, just in a way that is harder to detect. I'm still looking for love and fulfillment in a relationship with a guy - only now a marriage relationship with a godly man. That is a good thing to desire. However, when I'm looking for my peace, joy, and hope for feeling complete or fulfilled in a man, I am looking for love in the wrong place.

Perhaps part of the reason God has allowed me to be single for as long as I have is to teach me this very important lesson. That He is the only, one, true, RIGHT place to look for love. He is incapable of being unfaithful or letting me down. Though a godly husband will love me and there is nothing wrong with desiring that, he will inevitably at times let me down because he is a human. But my Jesus never will. He's my steady. My constant. The One I can depend on and trust with my everything. He wants to prove Himself to be all I need.

I don't have to change to be loved by Him, but it is His love that changes me!

I know the story of my life is not yet over. And I am still quite young. I am sure the next pages that God will script will be completely different than I anticipate or could imagine. And 26 is not old. I guess it just feels like a long time that I've been waiting because of the experiences I've had and the young age I was when I had them. 

I have been reading "Quest for Love" by Elisabeth Elliot (cheesy title, I know, but seriously a MUST READ for single Christians). There is much I want to share about what God is teaching me through this book. This is one of the parts that stands out to me:

"If we imagine that happiness is to be found by furious pursuit, we will end up in a rage at the unsatisfying results. If, on the other hand, we set ourselves to pursue the wise and loving and holy will of our Heavenly Father, we will find that happiness comes - quietly, in unexpected ways, and, surprisingly often, as the by-product of sacrifice. 
Desire for marriage deeply tests our understanding of the cross. The cross of Christ means sacrifice. He gave Himself. He asks us who want to be disciples first to relinquish our rights to ourselves, then to take up the cross, and follow (Luke 9:23). The cross in Roman times was an instrument of torture. Jesus took it up gladly - in obedience to His Father and for love of you and me. If He asks us to take up our cross daily, He is asking us to be willing to suffer. What else can the cross mean?
Except for those far ahead of most of us in sanctity, waiting is a form of suffering - the difficulty of self-restraint, the anguish of unfulfilled longing, the bewilderment of unanswered prayer, my flesh and my heart failing, my soul breaking. These are indeed tribulations, and tribulation is the curriculum if we are to learn patience. We want answers now, right now, but we are required at times to walk in darkness.
Nevertheless, God is in the darkness." 

Single or married, children on Earth or only in Heaven... My God knows what He's doing. He sees the end from the beginning and He holds my heart. He is sanctifying me through the longing, the waiting, the suffering, the unanswered questions in a way He couldn't without those things. My struggle and wrestling is not a sin, but a tool in His hands, to draw me to Himself and make me more like Jesus. I thank Him that I have anything to sacrifice and that the unseen realm is watching. I want to suffer well, for His glory. I pray my life brings Him glory, and that I can truly say and mean it when I say it that it is well with my soul, knowing full well He is with me.

The man who wrote "It Is Well With My Soul" personally knew suffering after tragically losing several of his children. Yet, he knew that God could be trusted. To read more of the story behind the hymn, click HERE. After knowing what this man was going through when he wrote it, I think of that each time I hear and sing it now. And I realize that if God gave him the grace to write and mean it, then He will give me the grace to sing and mean it.

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

Though satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

Listen to "It Is Well With My Soul" below (email subscribers click HERE).

May We Still Feel Whole

"The table is set and our glasses are full
Though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole."
-Sleeping At Last

She is that missing piece. And no matter how many are seated around the Thanksgiving Day table, the place where she'd be will never go unnoticed.

I Can’t Believe That I Could Ever Think of Life Without You

It was 6 years ago this month that the picture below was taken and I wrote the following on this blog (one of my very first posts). I am so thankful to have these words that I wrote during that time. It is a gift to see my perspective at that point and to see just how much God was working in my heart and life.....

I first heard the song "Little One" yesterday during the ending credits of the new movie, Sarah's Choice, starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expectations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything "Sarah" was experiencing.

Listen to "Little One" below (email subscribers click HERE).
This song will always be incredibly special to me.

Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what "choice" to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized the choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can't fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I'm carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God's goodness.

What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now one of the reasons that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me! And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and is bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.

My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! Praise You, Jesus, for changing my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a wonderful mother. Give me Your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know You alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus' love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!

Reading what I wrote, I see how the Lord was giving me a mother's heart of love for my child. It is bittersweet to read these words. Bitter because I never did get to gaze into Lily's blue and curious eyes. Sweet because of how she changed my life.

I wrote this post to say that I was thankful that I had chosen LIFE for my baby. At that point in time, I never would have wished it any other way. I want to say right here, right now, that even though things didn't end up the way I thought they would (they were already going to be so different than what I had planned when I wrote this post), I am still so thankful that I chose not to have an abortion. Life is still a beautiful choice, when your baby lives and when your baby dies. It is still the right choice. As I wrote in my post, God gives and God takes away. Though I never could have dreamed He'd take her so soon, I still believe that Lily's life was/is in His hands.

Lily's Christmas Tree

I decided to get a different mini Christmas tree for Lily this year because the usual green one I use got damaged in storage. I found a pretty gold one at Target for only $8 and think the color looks pretty in my room. Here's a peek at my room with Lily's tree decorated with white lights and all her ornaments that I've gotten and have been given over the years. It's sitting on top of her cedar memory chest.

On another note, when I was taking the ornament box out of storage, one of the fragile ornaments a friend made for me in Lily's honor in 2012 broke. :( I'm sad that happened, but hope to get the glass part replaced, even though it won't be the original.

Lily's Christmas Stocking!

I never got around to sharing Lily's completed memorial Christmas stocking last year. Here it is. :)

It was created with love by my grandmother "Bumma" for her great-granddaughter. My mom and sister-in-love, Kala, also helped with the dangle balls. It's simply perfect. I wanted the colors to be Christmassy colors, while also appropriate for a little girl. They also remind me of Valentine's Day, which makes me think of Lily because I had a Valentine's-themed baby shower.

Bumma and I first started discussing her making Lily's Christmas stocking a couple years ago. It took a while to figure out exactly what we wanted to do. Then last summer we went together to pick out the yarn at a store on the downtown mall in Charlottesville, Virginia called The Needle Lady. I wanted to support a local business and the quality of yarn was better too (made in Turkey!)

My grandmother made me a stocking when I was a little girl (see picture below). :)

I was her first granddaughter and Lily was her first great-granddaughter. This was something special the three of us can share. And it'll be extremely special for me to have this through the years, even long after my grandmother goes Home to be with Jesus. Because she was here when Lily was and she would have been there seeing her grow up. That is so hard for me to know they would know each other if Lily were here and to have no idea if she'll know my future children. Having this stocking reminds me that Bumma does love and know Lily. She loves her and knows her because she has the special bond that a great-grandmother has with her great-granddaughter, even if they never officially "met." And she knows her through me (shout out to my #1 blog follower, Bumma, who is reading this on her email haha!)

Here is a picture I captured of Bumma knitting Lily's stocking during our vacation at Massanutten last fall.

I plan on hanging her stocking each year, one day next to her future siblings' stockings. She will always be a part of my life and Christmas.

Here are some pictures we took last December of Lily's stocking at her special spot...

Here is a video of my grandmother and I sharing Lily's stocking at her special spot last December:

Here is Lily's stocking hanging in my room with my Willow Tree collection. :)

Read all the posts about Lily's stocking by clicking HERE.

Copeland Concert... 6 Years Later

I've posted several times about my favorite band from when I was pregnant with Lily and how I went to see them in concert on their Farewell Tour when I was 9 months gestation in March 2010. Because of this, they will now always make me think of her.

A year ago, they released another album after deciding to get back together and make new music after 6 years.

Well, a couple weeks ago, my sister Emma and her boyfriend, and our sister-in-law Kala went to see them in concert. Hello, bittersweet nostalgia. It was in the same venue in Chapel Hill as it was when Lily was with us. The layout was a bit different after all these years, but it was still much the same. The entire night felt like a blast from the past, driving over there and going out to dinner, going to the concert and hearing some of the very songs they played in 2010. Because it was their Farewell Tour then, I never imagined I'd see them again in concert or that they'd make new music. When my sister texted me a couple months ago to tell me they were coming to our area again, I couldn't believe it. I was so excited... mostly because they do remind me of her and going there was a way to do something I did with her, which makes the memories of her feel closer.

It was surreal being there and realizing how many years have passed and how much has changed. I thought about how I was pregnant the first concert I went to and now Kala was pregnant this time. I remember meeting the band and getting pictures with them and their autographs in 2010 and they said one day I could tell Lily she went to see them in concert. My little baby girl would now be my big Kindergarten kid.

Here are the Copeland concert pages in Lily's scrapbook :)

Kala & I got a picture in my house in the same spot that my mom, 
sis & I got one nearly 6 years ago (November 2015 above and March 2010 below)

Excitedly on our way to Chapel Hill

Kala & I out to dinner

My sister Emma & I... wow she has changed and grown up so much in the past 6 years

Copeland making beautiful music

For a little taste of Copeland's music, here is a song from their new album that I like a lot (email subscribers click HERE). The song is called "In Her Arms You Will Never Starve." It is so beautiful and reminds me of the love of a mother and/or a wife... the love I ache with hope and longing to be able to give my own family one day.

These are the lyrics: 

"In her arms you will never starve

You will never freeze, and when the world is hard,

you can fall asleep there

in a world of chaos, she could be your silence

The oceans of her kindness, they will pull you under

So fall in. Break through it,

and when you stumble in the cold,

she will urge you onward

And in your darkest hour,

should storms rage around you now,

her love will be a shelter,

and she will pull you under"

Both of Their Hearts

This is an update post on something I shared half a year ago - Thesis on Sanctity of Human Life.

You may remember that an art student at Appalachian State University contacted me in the spring, after reading something I wrote, about including Lily and Luke in her senior honors thesis on the sanctity of human life. We met at a coffee shop and I shared my heart and my babies with her.

This is the 18x24” portrait she created of Lily and Luke. When she sent it to me, she wrote, "I looked up the real size for a child at six weeks gestation, so little Luke is the small shape by Lily’s chest. I loved what you said about their two hearts starting and stopping their beating in the same place, so I called the piece Both of Their Hearts." Isn't that so touching and beautiful?? :'-)

When she shared it on her Instagram, she wrote something so sweet: "Easily my favorite Humanitās portrait so far. Both of Their Hearts features siblings Luke Shiloh and Lily Katherine, children of Hannah Rose, both of whom tragically died in utero. Luke and Lily, your lives had meaning and purpose, and I will continue to speak for you and children like you."

Originally, the final product was to be "an exhibition of portraits of people of different ages, appearances, and abilities." The unborn were one part of the project.

However, Elizabeth emailed me and wrote, "My show actually ended up taking a different turn after the first critique. It became clear that babies were the ones I really wanted to focus on, rather than people as a whole, and the pieces I’m going to use for my senior show are a set of three monumental paintings, each with a tiny little figure modeled after eighteen weeks gestational age. I felt so passionately about their portrait, Lily and Luke ended up being the catalysts for an entire body of work."

She ended up going large scale for the final pieces and the one of Lily and Luke would have been too small to include in the show.

I am so honored that Elizabeth wanted to include my two precious babies in this and that they inspired her. I am one proud mommy. :) Elizabeth is a gifted artist and it is a blessing to me to see her heart for the unborn.

She invited me to the show in Boone, NC in December, saying, "If you're available, I would love for you to come see the work that your sweet children inspired. Thank you for letting your babies be a part of this incredible journey."

My mom and I are hoping to make the trip (it's only a few hours) to spend a couple days in the mountains and see what Lily and Luke inspired.

Elizabeth and I when we met in May

This is Elizabeth's Artist Statement for the show that explains her heart behind it (I LOVE what she wrote!):

Humanitās

“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” 

So wrote George Orwell in his political satire, Animal Farm. Those words fascinated me from the time I first read the book in the seventh grade. Since then, they have echoed in my head with every news story of murder and genocide, every history lesson about apartheid or the Holocaust, and every time one of my peers was made to feel small. It seems that Orwell hit our hubris directly on point. All the hot-button issues that we read about in headline after study after heartfelt open letter, racism, sexism, religious persecution, nationalism, ageism, ableism – all of them point to the idea that we, all of us, for one reason or another, feel that we are more human than somebody else. 

It is now commonly agreed upon that people of different colors are persons, that those of us born female instead of male are persons, that people who speak with an accent are persons. People who object to this are reviled by society, and are rightly seen as deviant, wrong, and outside the norm. What is truly disturbing is that there are still groups whose personhood is an open question. There are still people whose humanity is in contest, and people on the sides of the debate are widely respected. In fact, people on the ‘no’ side are actually renowned for the efforts towards equal rights, in complete ignorance of the humans who have been trampled in the name of that fight. 

I speak, of course, of those among us who have not yet been born. Under the banner of women’s rights, children in the womb have been degraded to the status of a disease, an inconvenience, and outright parasites. These ‘blobs of tissue’, in spite of their beating hearts, unique genetic makeup, and their capability to think, learn, and feel pain, are still widely considered to be subhuman, or at least humans of an inferior nature to born people, certainly inferior to adults and the women who carry them. 

Isn’t that a familiar cry – inferior? Haven’t we heard it before? Weren’t Romans told that Celts were inferior? Didn’t Europeans reassure one another of the inferiority of Africans? Did not the Hutus say it of the Tutsis, and the Nazis of the Jews? With a full third of my generation having been denied the right to their very lives, how can we argue that they were not the victims of genocide, like the Celts and the Africans and the Tutsis and the Jews before them? 

This series is for the little ones, who cannot speak for themselves. Using art historical reference to acts that have long been accepted as wrong (crucifixion, starvation, lynching), I am challenging the worn-out argument that this time, it’s different. Some of us cannot be more equal. All humans are persons, and it’s time to put an end to qualifying addendum's.

You can connect with Elizabeth and check out more of her work here:

(Instagram @elizabeth.shanahan, Twitter @shanahanpaints, and elizabethshanahan.com) 

Lily's Cousin!

I have some exciting news.... I am an AUNTIE!! For the first time! My precious nephew or niece is due on May 13th. :) :) :) I am not *going* to be an auntie when my nephew or niece is born, but am one the entire time he/she is growing away! My siblings didn't all of a sudden get the title of "aunt" and "uncle" taken from them because Lily died. They will always be her aunts and uncles. The birth of a baby does not give that title and the death of a baby does not take away that title.

I was honored that my brother Joseph and his wife Kala asked me to take their "pregnancy announcement photo." This is what we came up with. I'm a big fan of baby pumpkins and whimsical photos. ;) Seriously, what an adorable couple, right?!

I actually found out the big news in September when I was in Colorado for Ellerslie. It was quite special to learn this news when I was at a place so dear to me (even if I wasn't with my family). It was exciting because I could immediately share me elation with my friends there since my brother and his wife weren't officially announcing the news to everyone we know yet haha. I literally made an announcement the day after I found out and told everyone if they saw me walking around crying the night before to know they were happy tears. ;)

If you have followed my blog for a while, you may remember me sharing how difficult it has been for me to think of another child "replacing" Lily as the oldest grandchild in my family. It might sound selfish, but I just wanted my child to be the one my family experiences many firsts with because she would have been.

Because of how painful and difficult it was to even think about, it has clearly been God's hand of grace on me in the last few months...

A couple weeks before I left for Ellerslie, I was talking with my mom one day and told her I had a feeling my brother and his wife would be announcing they were pregnant soon. They got married a couple years ago so there was no real reason to believe it was about to be announced. But I told my mom I felt like God had prepared my heart for the news.

Then, when I was out at Ellerslie, my friend Shalea was talking about how excited she was to be an aunt to her precious nephew due to be born around Christmas. I thought to myself when I heard her talking about this that I couldn't wait to be an aunt myself one day. Then, I told Shalea on Friday, September 11th when we were enjoying yummy pumpkin-spice lattes and lovely conversation together at Windsor Lake that I felt in my spirit that a change was coming, both in my personal life and my family, though I didn't exactly know what that meant.

Only a couple days later, on Monday, September 14th, my family tried calling and texting me to tell me the news that Joseph and Kala had just confirmed. I didn't have my phone on me at the time, but called my brother back as soon as I was able. The entire family would have been together to tell me had I answered when they first tried to contact. But I see that it worked out perfectly for it to be a private conversation between me and my big brother. Because of the urgency they conveyed in the text messages, I was concerned something was wrong.

When I called him, Joseph answered and said, "Sis (my nickname), I have some exciting news for you.... you're an aunt!" With this news, I immediately burst into tears. And you know what.... through all those months, years even, of dreading this news, in fear that my heart couldn't handle the pain of both wanting to be happy for them, but also feeling sad for me and for the fact that Lily isn't here... I can honestly say, in that moment, I felt nothing but JOY. No sadness. Only joy. That is what I remember most about that conversation... how excitement, anticipation, and joy spilled out of my heart. This could only be God supplying me with His grace, healing my heart in places I wondered if it could ever be healed. It struck me in a whole new way how He truly does give us just what we need the moment we need it, not a second too soon or too late. All the things I fear facing in the future, I know my God will sustain me and will supply me with what I need to face those things too... such as the gender of this baby and the fact he/she will be born at "Lily's hospital."

What also made the news not sting as much was the sensitivity Joseph showed. Joseph knows how hard losing Lily has been on me. He obviously didn't want it to be painful for me to hear. He had told Kala he thought he would cry when he told me, out of a mixture of many emotions. He even expressed to my dad his concern over telling me and my dad told him to pray about it and to trust God with my heart. The fact that he was thinking about this and wanted to show sensitivity towards me honestly makes all the difference.

It also got me thinking though... I don't want people to feel like they cannot tell me news like this. I don't want people to be hesitant or fearful of how I'll take it. Sensitive yes, but not overly concerned. I want to respond with grace and love always, not allowing my feelings to overshadow someone else's joy. I told that to Joseph and Kala... that I don't want Lily's death to take away my ability to live with joy. I want her life to only bring me life. That's not to say things like this aren't difficult or understandably painful. But I want my Lord to be Lord of all things in my life, including my feelings.

I don't want to make this "all about me." Because it's not. My losing Lily should not overshadow the joy my big brother has over being a father. He has wanted to be a daddy for many years and I want to REJOICE with him completely. I want to respond how I know Christ wants me to.

And you know what else... I have been so afraid that Lily will be forgotten or replaced. But I realize that is a ridiculous fear. She will never, could never, be replaced. She is the oldest grandchild. Even though she isn't here in person, that fact will never be questioned or changed. And my family would never want it to be. They love Lily. They will never forget her. She is this baby's cousin. I only wish she were here to get excited over a new baby coming, due to arrive a couple months after her 6th birthday. One day... one day I believe the cousins will meet.

My good friend who is a nurse at a pregnancy center did Kala's first ultrasound when she was 11 weeks gestation (she is now almost 15 weeks). It was a gift for she, my mom, and I to go together. Joseph and Kala should be finding out the gender in a few weeks. Look at these sweet ultrasound photos I got to keep. :)

look at that little hand waving!

and Auntie loves you, little one :)

Another thing God has comforted me with... I long to get married and have more babies of my own and it's so hard waiting. This is obviously not the timing for that right now, but God has shown me what a rich blessing and gift to my life this baby is. I don't have my own baby to love on, but I have my brother's baby. How cool is that?! It's one step down from having my own baby. Not only that, but Kala is my best friend! My best friend is having a baby and my brother is having a baby... and it's the same baby! Haha it's just so exciting I can hardly wrap my mind around it. This baby is so loved already!

I am a person who remembers dates of both random and significant things (it's just how my brain works). Anyways, I remembered on September 8th how it was on that date 6 years ago that I told my mom that she was a grandmother. I wrote in my journal on that date this year how I prayed for my mom to be given the gift of having another grandchild soon, a grandchild that gets to stay on Earth to grow up. It's been 6 years since Lily was born and died and it's been a long journey for my family. It has been so hard to see my family, my mom especially, wanting another baby to fill our arms and hearts. When I wrote that journal entry, I had no idea that my mom already was a grandmother again and that we'd be finding out just a few days later. And get this - the day we found out was the day after Grandparents Day! I just felt like this was God showing us that He is bringing restoration and is promising to bring healing through this new life. My mom has already been asked a few times if this is her first grandchild and she always says no. I know it's hard for her and she doesn't want people to ask more questions where she has to explain the circumstances. But it certainly does make my heart smile when she acknowledges Lily... She told me she even thinks of Luke too when she gets asked that question.

My sweet little nephew or niece, there is enough love in this family for you and many more children. The God of love is capable of growing our hearts with His love for all the little ones He blesses us with. You are already adored by so many. I can't wait to meet you and spoil you, little one! I just know we will be so close because your mommy and daddy are two of my best friends in the world! I will always tell you about Lily. You will know her because she lives on in me. I will share her with you through the years... your big cousin who I know you will love. How could you not??

The Dearest Thing in All Thinking

"For to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking." -George MacDonald

This quote... oh, this quote.

The Lord could have used anything or anyone to change my life and bring me back to Himself... but He chose a sweet little girl named Lily Katherine. He thought of her and crafted her life and purpose.

I ache with missing her, especially around the holidays. But I ache even more with love and gratitude for the undeserved gift of being her mother.

Hearing Lily's Song in Person

When I was in Colorado for Ellerslie this fall, I got to see my dear friend Heather, which is always a blessing.

If you remember, Heather is my friend who surprised me on Lily's 4th birthday with a song about her life and legacy. It is literally the most precious gift I've ever received. :-)

I have listened to the song literally probably over a hundred times since then, but never had I heard it in person... until recently.

Heather and her family had me over for dinner the first weekend that I was in Colorado. I went out a few days early to spend time with my friend Bex and Heather. What a precious evening of fellowship we had... and not to mention, Heather is an amazing cook!

Heather and I with her beautiful daughter

Anyways, before I left, Heather said she wanted to play Lily's song for me in person. I of course was hoping she would and was deeply touched by it. It is a completely different experience to hear it in person rather than only a recording of it. I was able to take a video of her playing for me, which you can watch below. (Email subscribers click HERE).

Here is a lyrics page that Heather made for me

As soon as Heather finished playing, we gave each other a big hug and I couldn't keep the tears from flowing. It was a dear moment and Jesus was in our midst. I was yet again completely overwhelmed by her gift and how Jesus loved me through her. She is seriously so talented and I am blessed at how she uses her gifts for the Lord and His glory and to minister to others.

One day, I would like Heather to travel with me when I speak so she can play the song live for an audience... I know they will be immensely blessed by it as well.

Two years after Heather first started thinking about writing the song, and then going through the process of writing it, I finally got to hear it in person. :'-)

You can read more about Lily's song by clicking HERE.

 

Gianna Jessen!

Last weekend.... this happened! :-)

I met one of my heroes, abortion survivor and pro-life speaker, Gianna Jessen!

Her speech was beautiful, powerful, hilarious, inspirational, and memorable. And it reminded me so much of my dear friend, Bonnie, who has a similar story of surviving an abortion and now living with cerebral palsy, yet so passionately in love with Jesus and life and victorious over all the things the enemy meant for destruction.

I am blessed to have met Gianna after years of knowing her story. I was able to share a bit about both Bonnie and Lily.

If you're unfamiliar with Gianna Jessen, please take the time to watch this video of her speaking. You won't regret it! There are so many things I could say about how her testimony has impacted my life, but I'll let you just be moved by listening to her yourself. (Email subscribers click HERE).

You might recognize Gianna because she recently testified before congress to get Planned Parenthood defunded. Here is that video (it gives me chills!) Please share these videos... Gianna is a face for the unborn! (Email subscribers click HERE).

Here is a hilarious moment from the banquet. Gianna was talking specifically to the men about standing up and being strong men who protect, defend, and cherish women and children. She told them to picture blue paint on their faces (think Braveheart) and to leap like valiant warriors and yell "freedom!" This is what ensued. (Email subscribers click HERE).

The PCCV Banquets - 6 Years Ago and Now

Last weekend, I attended the Pregnancy Centers of Central Virginia's Annual Banquets with my grandmother. It's our tradition to go together. I felt all sorts of nostalgia as I was reminded of going to this very event in the very same building 6 years ago in the month of October when I was 18 weeks gestation with Lily Katherine.

I'll never forget how there were lilies in the centerpiece of each table, a sweet reminder from Jesus that He knew Lily and was forming her life and her purpose.

Here is a picture I took that night of the lilies in the centerpiece.

 I took one of the lilies home and dried it out.
It is now in Lily's scrapbook all these years later!

That is the first time I clearly and distinctly recall the Lord speak to my heart that one day I would be sharing my story as a public speaker (something I never wanted to do in and of myself). At the time, I had no idea how the story would unfold in the months and years ahead, but God knew. I always assumed I'd have a beautiful daughter to show as my choice of life.

As I ached with missing her at the banquets, especially with seeing other mothers who chose life share photos and videos of their children, I was reminded of these things... Lily has all Heaven's glory and is not missing anything. God is sovereign and was not surprised by her life or death. And I don't need her here as proof of her existence. My heart and life transformed is proof in itself.

As I drove into town on the evening of the first banquet, I thought back to the same banquet all those years ago, and I listened to my favorite song on repeat, "He's Always Been Faithful," by Sara Groves. Praise overflowed from my heart as I could see God's faithfulness in my life through all the years, through the joys and sorrows. I could never regret trusting Him and serving Him, even when things haven't gone the way I wouldn't planned. He held my hand through that season and through all the years since and I know He will continue to guide me.

"He's Always Been Faithful"
by Sara Groves

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me

Here are my grandmother and I with her friend 6 years ago at the banquet

And here we are this year

Our table this year

My Aunt Sarah and Uncle Steve

The first night, a man named Fr. Agustino spoke. I enjoyed his funny speech.

The second night, Gianna Jessen spoke. It was probably one of the best

speeches I've ever heard. I will post another blog about that soon.