I knew that one of my newly-married friends, who I first met at Ellerslie in Colorado in 2011 named Suzanne, had recently moved to that area with her husband, so we thought it would be neat to spend some time with her. Last June, I had the honor of attending her wedding.
I did want to see Suzanne, but I am going to be completely honest in saying it crossed my mind not to contact her and let her know we were in the area because I knew she was full-term in her first pregnancy. She would likely not have known that we were there if I had not contacted her. It's not like her feelings would have been hurt and my feelings would have been preserved. It has always been hard for me to be around pregnant women, no matter who they are. It doesn't mean I'm not thrilled for them, but it is difficult emotionally for me to remember back to my pregnancy with Lily and to wonder if I'll ever have the blessing of being pregnant again... and if I'll ever get to take my baby home. It was also an emotional time for me with Mother's Day fast approaching.
Quite frankly, I almost didn't call her.. but then I felt my Lord ask me to entrust my feelings in this area to Him. It feels like it's my "right" to have these feelings, because they are understandable, I think. I didn't realize how tightly I had been clinging to them. I just accepted them as part of my life. I didn't realize God wanted me to give Him control of even that part of my heart.
So, I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and ask Jesus to be Lord of this part of my woundedness. Though honestly, I didn't know if it was possible to find freedom from those feelings because they have been a part of my life for half a decade.
I opened my clinched hands and prayed something along the lines of: Lord, please allow me to be only joyful for my friend, without that familiar tinge of jealousy and sadness.
The morning that Kala and I were going to meet with Suzanne, I felt a calmness in my spirit, though I did feel a bit nervous.
What a fond memory I have of the breakfast we three shared together at Chick-fil-A that morning. God answered my prayer. I felt only joy and not sadness. I was able to rejoice with my friend and have hope and trust that my life and future is in God's hands.
My purpose in sharing all this is to point to how faithful my Lord is and how powerful He is to mend our broken hearts. He wants us to entrust each area of our lives to Him and He will take tender care of us.
I felt Him whisper to my heart that day.... imagine what you would have missed if you had listened to your feelings instead of my leading. I would have missed the blessing of having Him answer my prayer, having my hope, strength, and trust built up. I would have missed being tenderly cared for by my faithful Heavenly Father and realizing at a deeper level that He works outside of what is "natural." I would have missed a time of sweet encouragement and fellowship with two dear friends.
And not only that, but I would have missed the joy of hearing as Lily's mommy more of the impact she is making in this world, in so many different ways. I would have missed hearing Suzanne speak of how my story and Lily's life have helped teach her to treasure the days she does have with her baby, because tomorrow is never guaranteed. I would have missed the opportunity to encourage her as her impending labor and delivery drew near. I would not have been able to share about my own crippling fears of labor and delivery and how I never could have dreamed I'd one day have to give birth under such tragic circumstances. I would not have been able to share from personal experience how God meets us where we are every day and in every circumstance, and He is perfectly capable of sustaining us through the most difficult challenges and darkest valleys. If He can carry little ol' me through laboring and delivering Lily in the way I did, He can carry anyone through that process. I look back and almost cannot believe that was me. I look back and smile at how beautiful that experience of being Lily's mother was and how thankful I am to have those memories. And what a gift it was for me to be able to share those memories with Suzanne and Kala. I look back absolutely amazed at how faithful my God is, in big ways and in small ways.
God set this meeting up, and in the perfect time. Just two days later, Suzanne gave birth to her healthy baby boy (I had such a strong feeling he was a boy, even though they didn't find out before his birth). :) The day after I saw her was her birthday and two days after he was born was Mother's Day... so that was quite the week for her, I'd say! ;)
The Lord used our time together to speak so many things to my heart and I hope it was an encouraging time for Kala and Suzanne as well.
Imagine what would have been missed...
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