Before I got pregnant with Lily, I was really into partying and drank at least every weekend, but usually more than that. The reason I am sharing this is because God has shown me that when I was pregnant, I didn't drink a single time. Even before I knew I was pregnant or before I knew I was choosing life, I didn't drink a single drop of alcohol. Because of how much I was previously drinking, there is no explanation for this, other than God Himself protecting my baby and me... you see, because Lily died, I have struggled with wondering if I did something to cause her death. If I had known that I had drank during my pregnancy and Lily died, I know that I would have wondered if alcohol had harmed her, maybe even leading to her death. But my baby girl was protected by the God who knew she was alive in my womb before even I did. This might seem like a random story, but to me, it is evidence of God's protection and care. And how He used her to draw me out of that sinful lifestyle.
I am reminded of another story of how God protected little Lily and how He put His love for her within my heart. You can read more in the post I wrote called He Gave Me a Mother's Heart. The gist of the story is how I didn't want to lift boxes that were too heavy that would harm my baby. I was towards the end of my first trimester and God was connecting my heart to Lily's and making it real in my mind that I had a little one within. He gave me the desire to love for and protect her. That was in late August 2009.
I recently remembered another story similar to that. On September 7, 2009 (the day before I told my mom I was pregnant), I went on a hike with family and had a picnic for Labor Day. Here is my Facebook status from that day:
Nobody there knew that I was pregnant, but I distinctly remember thinking that day that I didn't want to overdo it with hiking. I didn't want to work out too hard that day, hiking up the mountain because I didn't want my baby to be hurt in any way. As the weeks passed, God was growing my love for my sweet baby girl!
I also wanted to share something else. When Lily died, I was unsure if I was going to get an autopsy or not. I figured no explanation for her death would bring her back, so what was the point? I also didn't think I could afford it. In my medical records, it even talks about how the patient (me) was unsure about autopsy and how the staff kept discussing it with me until I finally decided to get it done. The only reason I did was because the hospital offered to do it free of charge. I had been praying about whether or not I should do it and felt that was God's answer and provision for me. Recently, I saw some other loss moms discussing how much their autopsy for their baby costed and I was in disbelief that it can cost thousands upon thousands of dollars! God provided that for me because He knew how saddened I would have been had I not had it done. He knew that I would have always wondered the "why" behind her death and that I wouldn't have had closure. And I would have been fearful about future babies dying. He knew that I could not pay for it myself, so He prompted the medical professionals at the hospital to work it out for me. The autopsy showed no conclusive reason for why she died. God used that to speak to my heart that He is bigger than any "medical explanation" and the reason for her death was that He took her because it was her time to go. This is not a medical reason that will affect me in the future (though I will be considered high-risk and will deliver early).
God's hand has been on all things in my life, even in the small things. I share these stories to declare that He is sovereign and He cares about every aspect of our lives!
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