It Hurts Not to

A few months ago, I wrote a post about how sometimes I don't know what to say or write here because it can feel repetitive.

One of my lovely blog readers left this comment on that post:

"I know how you feel, I have been through the very same thing. But never stop talking about her. I know how precious she is to you, because I know how precious my sweet Leah is to me. Even if it is sometimes repetitive, I know everything in you wants to talk about her. It almost hurts NOT to talk about her, about her life and how much you love her. Keep talking about her, we are listening!"

I am not sure who it was that left that comment, but I want to say thank you. I am sorry that you understand the missing, but it makes me feel less alone and less like there is something wrong with me.

I also want to say, YES! It hurts me to not talk about her and share about her life. It feels foreign and like I might burst if I keep it all bottled up inside, the pain and the love. At times, I think people might find it odd that I'm still blogging as much as I do, five years after Lily's birth and death. But, this... this is how I cope in a healthy manner. This is how her death has meaning, by sharing about her life.

My brother, Joseph, and I were talking yesterday about how we are both "open books" in sharing about our lives, our pasts, and our testimonies. I firmly believe this is how God made me because there is something so beautiful about being vulnerable and raw, rather than holding "it" all in and keeping up appearances. In our vulnerability, others are able to say "me too," even when they thought they were the only one. Others are able to come to Christ for healing and victory. On the pages of the open book of my life, I pray the words that others see written proclaim God's grace, mercy, love, healing, and redemption, and that He has a glorious plan in all things.

Thank you to those of you who still care to read these words of mine, even after all these years. It means the world to know there is someone behind their computer screen, somewhere in the world, who thinks that my words about my baby girl matter enough to read, and to continue reading. So whether or not I know you are reading, whether you've ever left a comment or not, thanks for being here.

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