Waynesboro is where I was living for the short few weeks that I was pregnant with my first child, whom I have named Luke Shiloh. Honestly, God has brought supernatural healing to my heart and I don't feel shame over my abortion. It really amazes me how much He has worked in me. I think of that child often, but it's not as heavy of a loss as losing Lily has been.
But there was something about being in Waynesboro that flooded my heart with sadness. As we drove through town, we passed where I used to live, the place where that dark night of my abortion took place. We drove past the pizza place where my friend and I got pizza from on the Sunday after my abortion, when I felt so much relief and thought I could put it behind me forever. Little did I know one day I would be writing about the memories from that day. And we drove past the gas station where I so clearly remember pulling into the parking lot one night when I was pregnant because I felt so nauseas and thought I was going to have to throw up. There is a feeling in the air of that town that takes me right back to that place and it's almost as if I'm staring at my 19-year-old self. It's already been six years since then.
I don't feel shame or condemnation. I feel sadness for the life that was lost and for my innocence lost. I wonder who my child would have grown up to become and how he would have looked. I feel regret because I can never change a decision I made so hastily. I truly had no idea the gravity of that choice. I was young and naive and was trying to run from my problems. It makes me sad to remember the pain of that time in my life and how young I was.
At times, it doesn't seem like it really ever happened, but then I take a drive down memory lane and the feelings and thoughts of that time come flooding back, breaking my heart all over again.
I will never, ever forget. The feeling of being pregnant for the first time. That time. That choice. The first child of my heart.
God Bless you dear Hannah! Sharing your story has opened so many hearts & eyes! I am sewing carry bags with my church group for 23 mothers here who chose to carry their babies. We are putting self care items items in these bags, but are praying about what else to include. I would love to include words of wisdom from you to these girls. We meet again Tuesday morning g. Could you email me something which I could copy as a letter to these moms to go in their bags?
ReplyDeleteLove you Hannah Rose!