Maybe at times repetitive

I've been struggling with wanting to express how I am feeling lately, but not knowing exactly how to. The thing is, each time I think of something to write, I remember that I have already written it before. I don't want to sound redundant. Repetitive.

I don't want this space to grow old. Boring. Lifeless. I want to keep writing here because this is Lily's space, where I am able to grieve and share her life, where her memory and legacy are kept alive. I don't plan on not sharing anymore because I still do have a lot to share, whether that be ways I or others honor Lily, or whatever else.

But, there is a part of me that feels like I've already shared all my feelings. I've written hundreds of posts on this blog over the past 5 years and it has helped me so much. But how many times and ways can I say how much I love and miss Lily? How can I come up with a new and fresh way to open up my heart?

I know that a lot of the things I feel are indeed things I've already felt and expressed. I relive the time when Lily was here with each calendar year. I share what I was doing in my pregnancy at this time in 2009 and 2010. Because for me, those are the only memories I have of Lily and that is how I share her life. I can't share what she did today, what funny thing she said, or what she wore. I am not sure why my brain works the way it does, but I literally remember so many details, especially surrounding dates. To give you an example, I remember friend's birthdays from middle school, even all these years later. I definitely remember so many dates from my pregnancy and what exactly I was doing on that day. It can be both a good and a bad thing. I want to remember these things, because they are all I have, yet it makes every year painful to think about. Will it always be this way? I'm not sure.

I am coming to the realization that no matter how many posts I write or how many ways I try to explain, words will always fail to express the depth of my heart. How much I love Lily, how much I long for her, how thankful I am to be her mother, how losing her has changed me and so many aspects of my life... no words could ever come close to describing these things. How can I even try? These things are so much more powerful and intense than any words could begin to articulate.

But, I will go on writing still. Because that is what I know. That is how I love her, mother her, share her.

I appreciate whoever reads these words and cares to hear about Lily, repetitive or not.