Five years ago today, I wrote the following in my journal. I remember where I was and how I felt when I wrote it. I felt so desperately lost, yet still had a small glimmer of hope. I have journaled most of my life, but when I was living apart from Jesus, I couldn't write anymore. My writings are my prayers and I didn't feel close to God anymore. I felt I couldn't face Him because I didn't want to face my sin. I was ashamed. The first journal entry I wrote in probably over a year was on August 6th, 2009. Each time I read it, my heart recalls the brokenness and deep sadness I felt. I realize now that the Lord wanted me to write it so that I would always remember the dark place I was in. I would remember how I came face-to-face with my wretchedness, realized I was nothing and had no strength, and cried out to my Mighty Rescuer. He ran to my rescue! Just days after I wrote this is when God turned my world upside down and changed me forever. All He was waiting for was for me to cry out to Him. And He's waiting for you to cry out to Him. Watch as He runs to your defense and your rescue! What a contrast to see where I was in the beginning of August 2009 and the journey God brought me through, ultimately resulting in Him winning the battle! I want to share a part of that journal entry to show you just how deep in the pit I was in... and I hope and pray that as you can see me now, you will realize that "there is no pit too deep that God's love is not deeper still." - Corrie ten Boom
August 6th 2009
"How can one person feel so alone in a world with billions of people in it? With all the big cities? Yet, I feel like I'm the only one whose felt these feelings, these hurts, the only one whose had these thoughts. I just want Jesus. But, I feel so far from Him. Could I ever experience healing and forgiveness for the things I've done? The mistakes I've made? How could I have done these things? That trap me...slowly kill me. I feel all alone. No one knows my heart, my longings, my every sin. Except Jesus. I am utterly brokenhearted. I never knew I could feel like this. I'm trapped. I don't know how to break free. Lord, break me free. Make me whole again. Hold my heart. Hold me so close to You and never let me go! My soul is lost. The world got a hold of me. Yet, I feel You gently pulling me to You, with tears in Your eyes...Ready to hold me, cry with me, laugh with me, and make me new again.
I never dreamed I could be hurt in the ways I have been. You are a beautiful God who is there for the weak and brokenhearted. This song by Bethany Dillon keeps running through my head: "The orphan clings to Your hand, singing the song of how he was found. The widow rejoices, for her oppressors are silenced now. The runaway falls at Your feet, You are what he has searched for. The rich man is broken, when he stands beneath a sky full of stars. And You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor. You laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore. When You could just be silent and leave us here to die...Still You sent Your Son for us...You are on our side!"
God, I need You. From the depths of my soul, I cry out to You! Save me...from myself, from the enemy, from the world. I am broken. I am scared. You are literally all I have. Is that what You want me to feel? Do You want me to cling to You? You're my only hope and that's true. I can't keep living without You...it's eating my very soul.
There are so many things in my life I would have and should have done differently. And, Lord, I know You want to save us from our sins. To wash them away and make us white as snow. You give us a way out...Looking back on my life, You gave me a way out of my pain and misery before I even made the bad choices I did. I'm so sorry. I want You, all of You forever. Break the chains of anything not of You! And hold me in Your strong arms! Fulfill Your purposes in my life. Amen."
This is the song I wrote the lyrics to in my journal. It played in my mind so much during that time as I realized the heart of mercy and love that the Father has for us! He is truly on our side, wants to rescue and redeem us, and strengthen us to carry our His purposes for our lives, for His glory! As I listen to it now, it gives me chills to remember how hard He fought for me, how He never left my side, He wooed me, romanced my heart, captivated me. This song will always be so special to me and remind me of August 2009.
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