Lily won't be at my wedding. Lily won't know her future siblings. For whatever reason, this dream put that heavy feeling in my heart and I felt it looming as soon as I woke up. It was such a sad and incredibly overwhelming feeling. I want her to be a part of the special days that are to come.
I feel so overwhelmed knowing that I will feel this missing for the rest of my life. I will never not miss her, even though my feelings change through the years. I guess sometimes I just wish that I could feel normal for once, whatever "normal" is. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to feel that ache that I've become so accustomed to over the past four and a half years. I wish I could feel like other 24-year-olds (almost 25, my birthday is August 12th) feel, without knowing such profound grief and loss.
I am choosing to see the little girl in my dream as Lily, sprinkling roses and lilies down the aisle, reminding me that she is with me always. Roses and lilies symbolize she and I. Her heart will beat as long as mine does. She will be at my wedding. She will know my future children. She is a part of me, therefore she is a part of every day, a part of my future, a part of who I am today and who God is still shaping me into.
Though not having Lily here hurts, I would never wish her away or wish for another child instead. As lyrics in a song I like by The Civil Wars say, "I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you." I'd still choose you, sweet girl. I'd choose you a million times over for I love who God created you to be and the purpose He has in both your life and your death. Do you know how happy you made me?
"I loved the girl with the utmost love of which my soul is capable and she is taken from me - yet in the agony of my spirit, in surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer than if I never possessed it." -William Wordsworth (I changed boy to girl)
I get it.... and no matter how many other children you have in the future, that ache will never go away. (((hugs)))
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