The Heaviness of 4

Each year, when January rolls around, I start thinking of Lily's birthday being just a couple months away. And my heart, oh my heart, has to start grappling with the reality that she'd be turning a new age soon... and I will never know her at that age.

She would be almost 4... just the mere thought of that brings tears to my eyes. These past 4 years have passed so quickly. 4 is weighing heavily on my heart.

I open the lid of her cedar memory chest and pull out those precious footprints and handprints... in the moments when the missing is more... when I need to be reminded that she was real. I didn't dream her up. With each turn of a calendar year, it feels like one giant step into the future... a future where Lily will not live. In those first days, weeks, and months after she was born, time dragged by so slowly. Now, I find myself wondering how in the world it's coming up on 4 years since I held her for the first and last time.

I hate not knowing who my 4-year-old Lily would be. So many things about her I wonder. I wonder what my life would look like today if she were here.... completely and totally different. That's as much as I know.

When her birthday draws near, I start looking up ideas for how to celebrate... the only problem is, this always leads to finding things that have to do with birthday parties for little girls who are here. I was googling ways to honor Lily for her 4th birthday in Heaven when I stumbled across 4th birthday parties for little girls on Earth. That's how she'd look? So grown up! I wonder what theme/colors she would have wanted for her birthday party this year. In all my searching, I came across this little shirt for sale that you can put the name in to see what it'd look like. It seems to fit - Lily Katherine turning 4 - yet she will never fill a shirt like this. It will always remain empty of her. Though she still is having a 4th birthday. It's all so hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.

My sweet girl - I miss your laugh, your smile, your curly hair, your bright blue eyes. Though I never knew these things the way I wish I could have, I surely miss them. 

I miss your life in my life.

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