Five Years Ago at This Time

Five years ago at this time, I was in the early stages of pregnancy with the first child of my womb, though I did not know it yet... in less than two weeks, it will be five years since I first discovered I was pregnant and that dreadful word captured my thoughts... abortion. 

On February 6th, 2009, I chose to have an abortion at 6 weeks gestation. It is something I will forever regret. But, I am so thankful for God's love, kindness, grace, mercy, redemption, forgiveness, and His healing touch on my heart and life... despite what a wretched sinner I am and how undeserving I am. 

I truly can hardly believe it's been that much time since my entire world changed from the tiny blue positive sign that left me frozen with fear. I will never be the person I was before that positive pregnancy test. In some ways, that's a good thing, yet in other ways, I wish I could have that innocence back. I wish I could know what I know now without knowing the heaviness of it all and having to walk through it myself. However, sometimes God can only teach us things through experience. 

I was just realizing today how much God has healed my heart in five years, even when I could not see Him moving... my abortion is something I think will always grieve me, however, it is not all-consuming like it once was. My Jesus has given me freedom from my past. He has helped me to move on while never forgetting. 

Instead of the guilt and shame that cripples, I am now left with wondering who my child would have been had I chosen LIFE. I am left with this burning passion to be Luke's voice. I believe it is part of why God put me on Earth. I promise I will speak for him always...

These are just some of my thoughts as the five-year anniversary of my abortion draws near. At one time, my first child was alive within me and he is now forever alive in Heaven. That is the promise I hold onto.

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