Waves of Grief

Waves is a befitting description of grief. A giant wave just crashed upon the shore of my heart. Most days the waves are small, but they are always there. I have just learned how to keep my balance as they crash around me. Sometimes the sea of grief can seem peaceful and calm... other days, the intensity of the raging water feels like they will knock me over. Take my breath away.

I have noticed that the season of my grief often coincides with the actual seasons. Every season, in some way, reminds me of my girl and makes me miss her in a different way. Right now, we are embarking upon summer... the time of year when Lily's life within me first began. I am reminded of all the memories and emotions associated with that. 

There are so many sounds, sights, and aromas that can evoke an emotion in me. A feeling of missing Lily. So many things remind me of her, all year round.

Before I know it, my birthday will be here. My 24th... the fourth one without my girl. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her. That was four years ago, in the summer. As we are in summer now (officially tomorrow) I am just feeling so far away from her. Like I am moving farther and farther from those months and years where she lived. 2009 and 2010. I am getting older, the days, weeks, months, and years are passing by, with no regard for who it leaves behind. I just want to stay put for a moment. I must look at it not as moving farther away from her, but moving closer to her, where we will be together for all Eternity.

There are so many seasons to grief and seasons of love.

Oh, my sweet Lily, who was within me four summers ago... I miss you this season and every season.

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." ~Psalm 55:22

My little one, my dear one, my love,

you will be with me forever:

in the thin sunlight and long shadows

of a clear winter's day;

in the dawn excitement of birds

sounding in early spring;

in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees

in a mid-summer's night;

in the rich aromas and bright colors

of a warm autumn day.

All that is excellent,

brushed by Life's

brightness and shadow,

will remind me of you,

My little one, my dear one, my love.

You will beat with my heart,

see through my eyes,

hear with my ears,

feel on my skin.

Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,

My little one, my dear one, my love.

~Edward Searl

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