Already 19

Today, my little sister, Emmaline, turns 19. I can hardly believe that the baby of my family is embarking on her last year as a teenager. We had a special day celebrating her "Golden Birthday" - she turned 19 on May 19th...

But, there has been a sadness in my heart today. I never could have anticipated the thoughts and feelings I've been having. And I am realizing yet again that this life without Lily is full of many twists and turns of grief. Moments I never would have thought would be painful catch me off guard and bring my loss and deep feelings of missing my girl to the surface.

It may seem odd that my sister turning 19 would make me sad and start thinking of Lily....the best I can do is explain it like this...

I got pregnant with both Luke and Lily when I was 19. Now my "baby" sister is 19. I just feel like I am getting further and further away from my two sweet babes. How can I nearly be 24? Life has changed so much since then. I have changed so much. 

Moving away from the time when I was 19 means I am moving away from Luke and Lily. It means others will forget them more and more. Perhaps memories will fade. Things in life will continue to change. Change is really hard for me. And there are lots of big changes in my family right now. People will grow older, but my babies never will. They will remain frozen in time...in 2009 and 2010...when I was 19 and 20. The only two years where Luke and Lily ever lived or will live...

Life without them is a continuous journey of moments...both bitter and sweet. Moments of being thankful for the gift of their lives, but grieving the loss of their lives. Wishing they could be here for special occasions, such as birthdays and weddings. Wishing their "Auntie Em" had her niece and nephew here to love on...she would have been is such a wonderful Aunt.

I must cling to Jesus through these moments and every moment...that is the only way I can make it through.

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