Week 5: February 4, 2013 ~ Mirror, Mirror, The Comparison Trap
Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in Heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!
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Honestly, when I first read the prompt for this week, I didn't have a clue what to share. It has taken me several days to even sit down and think about what I want to write...
I have wondered several times if I am "doing" this thing called grief "correctly" when I look at what others do/don't do compared with what I do/don't do.
I pour myself into this blog. And I have found that many people who had losses around the same time I did hardly write anymore, if ever. I miss connecting with some of the babyloss moms that used to be such a lifeline to me in the beginning. It is truly so hard to believe that it is coming up on 3 years since my little flower whispered hello and goodbye all in one breath. Is it unhealthy or unusual that I still find peace and joy writing here in this space? Sometimes I wonder if those that lost their babies more recently find it weird that I'm still blogging after so much time has passed. Do they think they will be more "past the loss" in that same amount of time? Will I still be here blogging, even when these bloggers move on and have their rainbows? Will I still be single and have no baby on earth to raise? Am I not healing properly if I still like sharing so much? My blog has definitely changed in the past 3 years. I used to primarily write about my loss and grief, but now I write a lot about Pro-Life things and I really enjoy sharing ideas and resources with others. On the other hand, I wonder why these people don't write anymore, almost like they are neglecting their baby's sacred space.
I also have found myself comparing how I choose to honor and remember Lily and Luke to how others honor and remember their children of Heaven. I find myself wondering if people think ways I choose to honor my children are strange. I like doing lots of different things...such as getting names in the sand photos, remembrance jewelry, among so many other things. I look at some of my friends who don't seem to do much of anything for their children and I sometimes feel like their little one is being forgotten about or neglected. But maybe they think I do too much and that it isn't healthy.
This is what I've learned...
Each one of us grieves differently. And that doesn't mean one of us is "right" and one of us is "wrong." Each person has different ways they choose to honor their children...some choose to do so privately, while others choose to do so publicly. Neither one is better than the other. The fact is, we all love and miss our children and will forever. And whatever we do that helps us cope with that loss is fine. We should never let anyone else tell us what to do/not do and how to do it. Let's all embrace and love one another and honor our children together. Let's respect the way others choose to remember and not judge or criticize because it is different than what we do. I have let go of the fear of what others think.
I am 23 and single and am in a place where I am able to spend time writing a lot more than I probably would be able to if I were married and had other children. Just because others can't do this doesn't mean they've forgotten. And just because I can do this doesn't mean I haven't healed. I grieve very publicly. It isn't always comfortable for me, but I feel like I am supposed to share the lives and legacies of my children, through speaking and writing. I mother my little ones through sharing and all the other things I do for and because of them. I mother their legacies. And because I don't have any children on earth, that is the only motherhood I know. I feel I keep them alive in a way by sharing them. Just as a mother does things for her living children, I find joy and peace doing things for my children of Heaven. There is nothing wrong with that. It may change as time goes on and another page of my life turns. But, for right now...this is where I am and I am comfortable with it.
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As always, a beautifully written post Hannah Rose!
ReplyDeleteI, too have wondered why so many BLMs blog for awhile and then stop -- either when they have their rainbows or for other unknown reasons. At this point in my grief/life, I can't imagine not blogging, but I worry that in the future I may stop. That maybe when I do have a living child, that I'll be too busy to blog. I really hope not, but I suppose that writing is only healing and therapeutic if it feels right. And maybe it's right for some people for 6 months and others for 25 years. I have always enjoyed writing... long before Gabriel, I found that writing was the best and easiest way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I think that's one of the reasons blogging has helped me so much, but I suppose in time other things may help more.
You are doing an amazing job mothering Lily and Luke. I hope that you continue writing and blogging for many more years!
I think that it is wonderful AND healthy to continue writing. You see, there may be a lot of women who have stopped writing, but they are always thinking of their child(ren)... Just as you think of your children daily, but you bring life to it, by writing out your heart. There may not be a whole lot of people commenting on our blogs sometimes, BUT I know they are reading... and their lives are being touched immensely! I know this through an e-mail on occasion, a PM on Facebook, or by a deep comment left, after reading my words for a very long time, "hidden" away behind a computer screen.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing and sharing their legacies... People are being touched by your children's precious lives!
Love to you.
You always have such beautiful posts and you have such a gift for writing! I think that your writing helps others, but they might not have the strength to tell you... You make a difference, I know that you have for me <3
ReplyDeleteIt is true, Hannah, that many of the BLMs who blogged with us really do not blog much anymore if at all. I think there are prolly several reasons to this. 1) They feel like everything they feel has already been said. 2) Enough time, healing, whatever has occurred that they don't feel the need to write like they used to. 3) They have had a rainbow. 4) They are too busy and don't have the time. (I'm sure there are more.)
ReplyDeleteI definitely don't blog like I used to and the reason for that is mostly #4. I wish I had the time to do it more but I just don't. My wish is to continue writing though in her space and not let it just sit even if I only post once or twice a year. I wish the blogging connection was like it used to be but I am glad that at least we are all on FB to still stay connected that way. But we both know that even though our friends don't write as much that they still love and think of and miss their children very much. That's something that is so ingrained in us that can't be stopped. I know sometimes it can be discouraging when we don't get the comments like we used to but that's ok. Many people who read don't comment so remember that people do still read! I know I haven't touched my google reader in over 2 months. I've wanted to but with more kids I don't have the time to sit like I used to. And I'm ok with that now.
I, too, think you're perfectly fine to continue writing. I started blogging for my Cora 3 1/2 years after her stillbirth, when my rainbows were 2 1/2 and 9 months. I go back and forth, sometimes I blog a lot, sometimes I can go weeks between posts. But it's there when I need it. My blog is my outlet, when it hits me out of nowhere. Because truly, our love for our babies will never end, therefore our grief will never truly end either. (hugs) Thank you for your beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteMiss Hannah,
ReplyDeletePlease don't stop writing! I really enjoy reading your posts! No matter the reason you write, know that you are helping others! You are touching other BLMs who need to read what you write! And, honestly, I believe 3 years down the road, I will still be writing. I will still be putting forth my effort to help others and honor and remember Bo! Thank you so much for sharing! Hugs and love to you mama! <3
Hannah...you are so right. Each one of us walks this path in our own unique way. It was more than a decade after the loss of our twin daughters and it was Thomas' 10th birthday when I started my blog. Most people didn't blog back in the day...when I lost my babies.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I was very quiet for a long time, about the grief, and less so now. So, I probably don't follow the "pattern" if there is such a thing! It doesn't matter.
I really want to let go of that comparison stuff anyway! It can be a struggle for moms and women in general...that is for sure. We just need to be led by the Lord and not worry so much about what anyone else thinks or does.
You need to be true to what you think is best for you as a mom. And, I think your words are such a beautiful encouragement to so many. You are just fine...just as you are!