Out of Nowhere

There are moments in life that I expect to be difficult as a mother who has lost her baby. Holidays can really hurt. Thanksgiving and Christmas come in third in fourth for really tough days, only after Lily's birthday and Mother's Day.

Most of the time, I can brace myself and prepare.

But, there are other times when it comes out of nowhere and there's nothing I could possibly do to prepare for the emotion that bubbles up so deep inside.

Hearing another pregnancy announcement...growing bellies...pictures of new babies. Those are the things that seem to be happening a lot these days with my age-group. I have now come to expect them to be hard.

But, then there are the moments that I am completely not expecting to be difficult. Like yesterday when I was watching Little Women with my mom and sister. It was so cozy in the living room, with our tree lit up and gifts underneath, the fire blazing, and just a Christmassy feeling overall. I was enjoying myself after an afternoon working. Then, the part comes on where Marmee rushes home to be by a very ill Beth's side. Poor Beth is laying there in misery and Marmee comes in to save the day. She knew exactly what to do to comfort and soothe. She knew how to break the fever. I never expected that watching this scene would bring me to tears. But, it did. The thought sprang to the front of my mind...I will never get to care for my sick child. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that is part of what being a mother is all about. That intrinsic nature to care for, protect, love your child through anything and everything. To make sure they feel well and are well. Moms usually know how to make everything seem better to their kids. I will never experience that part of motherhood with Lily...caring for her and pouring my love out on her in a way that speaks with actions, not only words. It's hard for me to explain, but I felt like I was grieving another thing that I will never know or experience with my first-born.

Moments like that can come so unexpectedly.