This time of year...

Is really hard. Though the 'ber season (SeptemBER, OctoBER, NovembER, and DecemBER) is my very favorite, there is still something about it that makes my heart heavy. I enjoy the changing leaves, cooler temperatures, hope for snow (because hoping is about all I can do in NC), pumpkin everything of course, sweaters, boots, scarves, and holidays. 

Thanksgiving is in just a couple weeks and then Christmas (my favorite!) is right around the corner after that. Despite how much I love this time of year, the special holidays are a big fat reminder that there is something someone missing. Holidays are centered around family and joy and laughter. But the little one who should be bringing the most laughter to my heart never took her first breath.

My mom and I ate lunch at Cracker Barrel (my favorite restaurant) today and I was browsing the gift shop as I always do. All the Christmas stuff is out, so I was looking at that. I noticed the "My First Christmas" onesie and realized Lily never got to wear one of those outfits...and this would already be her third Christmas...well fourth if you count 2009, when she was alive, just not on the outside. And I saw an ornament where you make an impression of your baby's handprint. I only ever got a few items to remember my daughter and an impression was one of them. I don't get to make another one each year, along with all the other growing that's done and memories that are made in a years' time. I also saw a tiny pair of moccasin baby shoes. I like those kind of shoes for myself because they are so cozy and cute...and I realized if Lily were here, I'd get her a matching pair...but there will never be a reason to buy those shoes for her...

Another year is coming to a close...another year without her...another step farther from her. 2010 was "the year of Lily." Before we know it, it will be 2013, the year she should be turning 3. I don't know, it just feels like so much distance is coming between us. Yes, things get easier with each holiday that passes...yet in a way, things get harder. Because of the time and distance weighing heavily on my heart...

Oh my sweet girl, how I'm missing you today and everyday...but this time of year, that ache is a little more pronounced. I wish you were here to see all the lights, eat some yummy turkey and mac&cheese and listen to the beautiful music...no matter how far away you seem or how far I get from the last time I held you, I will love you forever and a day. You will always be mine and I will always be yours...the moment you came to be in this world, we were tied together in a way no words could ever describe...we are linked together for Eternity...and Eternity is where we will celebrate Jesus together.

Photo by Carly Marie

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