October 1st...His Day

It's October 1st...the due date of my first babe. My Luke Shiloh. Every year around this time, I think of him. I think of all that might have been had I chosen LIFE. I should have an autumn baby. I knew he would be due around this time, but always thought it was at the end of September. After getting his ultrasound photo last winter, this is the first year I know his exact due date. Today is a rainy, gloomy day, which seems to fit. Tears keep threatening to spill over at any given moment.

Instead of welcoming a new baby into the world on this day in 2009, I was carrying his little sister, Lily. I was eight days away from finding out for sure she was a girl. I chose LIFE for her because I didn't for him. Yet, he was such a part of the story. He was such a part of how God moved in my heart and will forever be a huge piece of that. His life has and will continue to affect so many.

It's so complicated to think that if I had Luke, I wouldn't have had Lily. Yet, I am so glad I had Lily and love her so much. But, I love Luke too and if I had him, I never would have known about Lily. It's all confusing and complicated for my heart. But, God knew all along what was to come and has a place for both my babies. I have a special place for them both that could never be taken away or filled by another.

My cousin had his son in December 2009. Luke would have been born over two months before him. Luke should have been the first grandchild and great-grandchild. And truly, he was...even if others will never know it or acknowledge it. He was. He was the first grandson and great-grandson and Lily was the first granddaughter and great-granddaughter. What a great honor. I will always consider them the first even if they aren't here and others forget. My mother heart will not forget.

A blog friend of mine had and lost her precious little girl, C, on this day in 2009. October 1, 2009. Seeing that date on her blog stirred my heart. I wondered why and then I remembered...

What might this day have held? 

What would my little boy be like today?

How would he already be turning 3?

What would he look like? What toys would he have wanted for his special day?

Instead of a special day set-apart, today on the outside looks like just another day. 

I'm so sorry, Luke. I wish I had listened to the voice of the Lord, rather than my own selfishness. I wish today could have been so different. Heaven will be totally redemptive and I will hold you and know you. 

Until then, I will always remember you on your Heaven Day (February 6) and your due date, today. Today is "Luke's Day." I will never stop being your voice. I pray other girls in situations like I was in will have ears to hear the truth and the courage to choose LIFE. I pray they never have to have anniversaries like I am living through today. That instead of a sad day of what ifs, that they will have only joy on the day they welcome their little one into the world and all the birthdays after that. I pray their babies will live to see birthdays. I pray they won't deal with the pain of due dates without their little ones.

Love always, mommy

Tonight, there is a special Remembrance Ceremony at the Christian-based support group, Glory Babies, here in North Carolina. I have been wanting to go for several months, but could never work it out with my previous job. They only meet the first Monday of every month. This month's meeting just so happens to fall on Luke's day. Because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, there will be a candlelighting service, a balloon release, and a time for food and fellowship. I am looking forward to honoring Luke and his little sister tonight. It feels like it's just for him. :)

What a God-thing that I randomly stumbled upon this very powerful video on this date...the day that could have, should have been his birthday. A day of celebration and well wishes...Instead, nobody knows what this date means to me. Nobody knows of the little boy that was, yet wasn't. Forgive me, my son.

Happy Birthday, I love you, whoever you would have been.
From the Heavens to the womb to the Heavens again.
From the ending to the ending, never got to begin.