Those Bittersweet Moments

There are so many moments in my life that are bittersweet. My days are filled with happy moments tinged with sadness. As time keeps moving, I am finding that instead of being consumed by the sadness like I once was, I can acknowledge it and then concentrate on the happiness.

These are some of those bittersweet moments that remind me I am a mother...

Last week, I went shopping for a little girl named Sierra, who is my friend's foster daughter. I met them both last year when I was at Ellerslie. Right away, Sierra and I developed quite a special connection. We also just so happen to share a birthday, August 12th. She just turned 4 and I turned 23. :) As I walked around the store with the big red bullseye looking for the perfect birthday gift for her, I was smiling on the inside and outside! It felt so good to shop for a little girl. It was fun and felt so natural. If Lily were here, I would be shopping for a little girl all the time. My heart knows that. For a split second, I felt the sadness creep up on me, but it was mostly just a sweet experience. I wished that I always had the happiness of shopping for a little girl, no matter what stage of life she would be in. As I picked out the Hello Kitty shirt and sparkly pink and green headbands, I wondered if Lily would like Hello Kitty now? Or Dora? Or maybe princesses? In this moment, I felt a connection to my own little girl. Instead of dwelling on the sadness, I experienced it in that moment, but then chose to feel the joy instead.

I mentioned before that I was possibly going to nanny for a little boy who was born on the exact same day as my girl! Well, I accepted the job! I just felt a real peace about it. My nickname for him is "the little fella." :) A few days ago, we were watching Nick Jr. together when one of the little creatures names was Lily. The characters kept saying it over and over. A little wink from above...

I also found out that same little guy born March 16, 2010 has a dad who shares my birthday! I told him my birthday was coming up that week and he asked when. When I told him the date, he said, "That's mine too!" If only he knew how small of a world it really is...

I was drawn into a medical show a couple nights ago. The doctors discovered that a baby boy in the womb had a heart condition. He would need open-heart surgery soon after birth, to have any hope of survival. While she was still pregnant, with tears in her eyes, his mother said, "He may not be out in this world breathing, but his heart is beating. I feel him kicking...I love him." Yes. I understand, mama. That's why the bitterness hurts so badly. Because Lily was a real, living, beautiful baby girl. That precious little boy had a successful surgery and he lived, going home healthy with his parents. They even had to put his heart in a different position in his body! The doctors said he would live a normal life and could play football or whatever else he wanted to do. Look what modern medicine can do to save lives...why could no doctor, treatment, medicine, or surgery save my daughter?...I choose not to dwell on those thoughts. I choose to be joyful in the sweet truth that Lily was here at all.

I remember the first week after losing Lily, my mom and I were just driving around with no where particular to go. I needed to get out of the house. I wanted to escape. My own skin, my reality, my life. That was when the taste was only bitterness. Now there is much sweetness in there too...I'm learning to accept and embrace what motherhood is to me...what it will always be to me, no matter how many more babies I have in the future.

I am a mother.

I have all the hopes and dreams of a mother.

I have known the soaring excitement of a baby's first kick 
and I have known grief deeper than any ocean's depth.

There is a beautiful soul in heaven whom I carried and cherished here on earth.

I have known a love so strong and deep that only death itself 
could keep me so far from my beloved now.

With all my heart and soul, I have protected, cherished, 
hoped and loved beyond anything I've ever known. 
This is what a mother knows.

I am a mother.

~Unknown~

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