Lily's Special Spot

Lily is buried in another state from where I live. I know that I will always have ties to Crozet, Virginia and that is where my family is buried, so I knew I wanted her put to rest there. But, that makes it really hard on me since I can't go visit her special spot as often as I'd like. I can't take her flowers and make sure everything is well-maintained. One day I will be buried right next to my girl. No matter where I end up living on this earth, my final place of rest will be with my first born little love.

Going to the cemetery was once a place that brought such pain and heartache. It was so emotional just to make a visit there, especially since I couldn't go often. I am in a different place in my grief these days, so it truly feels like a place of beauty and peace. It feels like I'm near my girl when I am there. Yes, I realize that she is truly with Jesus, and that only her body is there. But, oh how I loved love that little body. Oh, how precious it will always be to me.

I realized recently that cemeteries used to seem so creepy to me. Most people are uncomfortable with driving by them, let alone visiting them. But, it is so peaceful for me now. I was visiting family and friends in Virginia this past week and made a trip to Lily's spot each day I was there. I took a couple of friends with me (Patricia and Rachel) that had never been before. I love having a place that's just for her. 

Lily's special spot :) She has her angel statue from her Great-Aunt Nana, a windchime from her Great-Grandmother, the temporary marker from the funeral home (finally!), the marker that I brought for her (will post more about that later, but I got to place it this past week), and roses and lilies.

This is Lily's temporary marker from the funeral home. So glad it's finally in and that people can now find her spot when they go to visit her! My brother, grandmother, and I went with the lady from the funeral home and placed it on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, they weren't able to fit her whole name on there. Hoping and praying to have something permanent in sooner rather than later.

They recently planted some trees at the cemetery! Here is Lily's spot, as well as her Great-Grandparents and Great-Aunt Rachel's bench behind her spot. Look at those beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia in the background! I LOVE this view! I enjoy going out there to sit and think. The bench is really unique. It is a bench, so it's meant to be sat on. I go out and sit on the little bench right next to Lily's spot, and I think about Lily, Rachel, and my grandfather who are all at Home with Jesus. Sometimes my family and I will take a blanket to sit on to the cemetery and have ice cream in honor of my grandfather or something else special for Lily, like red-velvet cake. :)

Fresh lilies for my Lily. Brought them to her on the 16th of the month. It also just so happens to be my grandparents 57th anniversary, so that was special to visit Bumpa with Bumma. I also left fake roses there, so that when the lilies dry up, she will still have some pretty flowers until the next time I visit.

The ground that holds her body is Holy. It holds a piece of my heart. A piece of my future in Heaven...

On the first visit to the cemetery last week, the pain of missing Lily felt so raw. I was crouching down over her grave and the tears just started falling. I was thinking of my little flower, who was resting just feet underneath me. I said to my brother...it's so strange to think that I should have a daughter running around, but instead she is buried beneath the ground. How wrong that is. It is a fact I don't think I will ever get used to. How different trips to Virginia would be if she were here. How different everything would be if she were here.

If you too have lost a child, perhaps you understand the feeling of wanting to dig up that dirt, just to see and hold your baby once more. Of course I am not crazy enough to do that and realize she is very much gone, very much with her Lord...but my mind cannot tell my mother heart how to feel.

I love all the trees that surround the cemetery. There is a fence that is around all sides. On one side of the cemetery, hidden by trees, is the high-school I attended. I never could have dreamed back in those days that one day I would bury my own child just a few hundred feet from where I sat in class. And literally, just feet from the trails I ran by the school during cross-country training.

On a cool day, perhaps this fall, my grandmother and I are going to go visit the cemetery and walk around and look at all the headstones (it's a small place). I feel a special connection to the people layed to rest there because it is where my girl is. I especially want to visit the babies and bring them flowers.

If you are ever traveling through the central Virginia area, you should stop by Hillsboro Cemetery in Crozet to visit my sweet girl! :)

I would love to see photos of and hear about your baby's special spots! Please share in a comment below or in an email.

Here is a video tour of Lily's special spot!

Lily girl, missing you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea just how hard or just how long it would hurt so much.