All over the internet, there are websites, groups, blogs all focused around babyloss. Websites and articles that make other women feel so understood. Right at home. For me, they are often just another reminder of how different I feel. I see posts about "what to expect when you're expecting your rainbow baby," posts about infertility, and posts about life with a rainbow baby. But, where's the post entitled, "what to expect after your baby dies and it's not the time to have another?" Losing a baby already puts you into the "different" category. That in itself can make you feel misunderstood and alone. But, what about when you're single, early 20s, and cannot try again and have no idea if and when you will be able to...when it seems everyone around you that had losses at or around the same time as you (or much after) are now pregnant or trying to get pregnant. And you hear announcement after announcement and put a smile on your face as you wish "congratulations." And you truly are happy for them, but through your smile, there are also hidden tears. I've honestly not met anyone with a story like my own. Sure, there are similarities.
I don't want others to think I am throwing myself a pity-party. I don't want to give myself any reason to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to compare my life to other's lives.
But here's the truth...
Most days, my entire body literally aches with longing.
My heart feels heavy.
My empty arms ache for the baby I once held and had to give back and for the babies I've not yet held.
With tears in my eyes, I type this now...I just wanna be a wife and mama. To a healthy, living, breathing baby.
It hurts so badly to see all my friends getting married and having healthy babies. So many happy engagements and weddings and births. I feel left behind.
When I got this message today from a girl who went to the same college I did, now lives in the same state I do, had a loss of her own, and is now pregnant with her rainbow...I wasn't expecting it at all. It was as if she could see right through me. See my heart and how deeply it hurts. It truly feels good to feel as if someone sees me. It feels like so much of the time, everyone is just so caught up in their own lives, their own sorrows and joys. I just want you to know how much that means to me.
I wanted to let you know that you've been on my mind today...Know that I'm praying for you. I can't imagine how strong your desire is to mother a child here on earth. My heart aches for you. I am praying that God would be faithful to fulfill those desires for a husband and children soon. I promise you, when He does, the waiting will be so worth it! In the meantime, know He is using you in great ways!
It's days like today, when I feel nearly crushed beneath the weight of all this, that I turn up Beauty Will Rise so loud that I can feel the beat of it pulsing in my veins. I sing along, at the top of my lungs, as if to make myself believe what I'm singing, even when I don't feel it or see it. It's like I have to sing it to believe it. Through tears and a shaking voice, I sing...buried deep beneath all my broken dreams, I have this hope: Out of these ashes, beauty will rise and I will dance among the ruins. I will see Him with my own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For I know, joy is coming in the morning...in the morning, beauty will rise. It will take my breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of the ashes.
Out of the ashes of my abortion...beauty will rise. Beauty has risen. Out of the ashes of losing Lily, beauty will rise. Out of the ashes of these broken dreams, beauty will rise. It truly has already taken my breath away to see the beauty that He's made out of my own sin. Out of my bondage and rebellion, He brought me into freedom in Christ. Out of my abortion, unplanned pregnancies, stillbirth, more beauty than I could ever comprehend has risen. The ripples of this will echo into eternity. Will continue to take my breath away.
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| "Beauty From Ashes," by Beth Morey |
This is the story God is writing for my life...though there are chapters full of sorrow, there are also chapters full of joy. Each page has joy spilling over. And my Jesus has never left me and has strengthened me in moments of weakness and given me peace under trying circumstances. I trust He has a better future planned for me than I could imagine. And even if it's not what I would plan for myself, I trust that He knows best. I am sure whatever He holds for my future will take my breath away...I long for the day when Christ is reunited with His bride...and I will see my Lily and Luke again there. I can only imagine the celebration. Jesus truly makes all things new. One sweet day there will be...No more tears. No more aching. No more longing...
I picture myself on a mountaintop, surrounded by God's glorious creation, with my arms outstretched to the Heavens. I am twirling around and around, with eyes closed, crying out to my Great God. My Redeemer, my Healer. The only One who can bring beauty from all this mess. Beauty from my sinful, broken heart.
Out of my losses, my longings, my sorrow, and my hope...beauty will rise.
Out of my losses, my longings, my sorrow, and my hope...beauty will rise.
I remember those days of longing and wondering and hoping. My marriage was damaged with the loss of our daughter and I wondered if we would be able to see it through or would I have to start all over and begin life again in hopes of having a beautiful rainbow. I was blessed that my hubby and I were able to walk through the darkness together and have our rainbow but it still took 5 years of hard work and planning to make it happen. It was a long 5 years but was definitely all worth it in the end. You are not alone! HUGS
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly sorry that you feel so very misunderstood. It is hard to be a baby loss mommy, because so many don't understand. Sometimes even other mommies who've lost children don't understand exactly what we are going through. I'm not going to tell you that I understand fully. At this point in my life, I am afraid to have other children.. I am afraid that something would happen and I'd have to do this all over again. I am in the middle of divorce, so I only vaguely crave and long for a happy marriage and family I dreamt of for so long. You are in my prayers Hannah. I know the Lord has something mighty planned for you. Waiting is the worst and hardest part.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a better afternoon than your morning has been.
Hugs and much love,
Jessica
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI see. BEAUTY when I read your words. I am so sorry you have experienced such sorrow at such a young age. I am hopeful like your friend that God is faithful and He will give you a future that is full of beautiful things. I know the waiting on the Lord part is so hard.
Oh my dear. I am so sorry that you feel alone. I hope that beauty will rise for you, that your desire for a family will be fulfilled and that your faith sustains you through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it must be very hard when you are searching for an experience that reflects your own and can find nobody. But I'm certain that you will be that light for other women in your situation, that they will read your words and feel relieved and comforted. Have you considered submitting a guest post to a website like Still Standing or Glow in the Woods? To put that post, that post you have been missing in your heart, out there?
Oh Hannah, I want you to know that I do think about you all of the time, that I HAVE cried for you, and that your story has found a permanent place in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI could never know the pain you know, I could never know the strength and courage it had to take to get through it. But I can say that I have been where you are. Wondering if I'd ever get to be a Mother, feeling so empty... hearing others tell me, "Oh it will happen for you soon, just wait, and be positive." Which just seemed so easy for them to say, since it was happening, or had already happened for them. And was mostly just annoying to hear after awhile.
But the thing is, it will happen for you Hannah. Your dreams will come true. Here I am, being the "annoying" person saying it now, but it's true!! You're still so young, and beautiful inside and out.
God will fill your empty heart with the love of a man, and your empty arms with a child. Until then, I'm glad that you can see the other beauty in things.
Oh my dear Hannah Rose, what a touching post! It is true that there are many stories of loss, but no two stories are the same. But we can all still support each other. I understand your longing and I do pray the Lord will bless you in the ways your heart desires. You are such an amazing person and whoever the Lord as chosen as your husband is going to be one lucky man! Your friend is right, the waiting will be so worth it (but I know that doesn't make it any easier right now). I agree with Catherine, you should write a guest post! Not only would you be putting that missing post out there to reach those who are in a similar situation as you, but your words will also touch those who are in different places than you. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteIt aches my heart when my loss friends aren't in a situation to have their rainbow at present. I know it has to hurt to see everyone around you have another baby except for you. You haven't been forgotten. xo
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog... You truly have a gift.. Thank you for sharing! From one angel mom to the next you will be in my prayers!!!
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