Seasons of the Heart

Most days, these days, I feel alright. The joy far outweighs the sadness. But there are days, like today, that my heart aches a little more than usual.

When losing Lily was fresh, I would feel that twinge of extra sadness each afternoon around 4:24, the time of her birth and on Tuesdays, the day of her birth. As time went on, the sadness would show up extra on the 16th of each month, the date she was born. After some time, it changed and the moments added up one on top of the other until I didn't even realize what was happening and how my grief was changing. I then started only feeling extra sad on anniversary dates (due dates, burial date, etc) and holidays (my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, her birthday). Add in a couple extra sad days into the mix and I'd say I've been doing pretty good.

That's why I felt my soul sort of breathe a great big sigh of relief as we entered June. Sigh. All the "big dates" are behind me for the year. Late winter/early spring seem to be when the hardest times come back to back. Like February because of Luke, Lily's birthday and the days leading up to it, as well as the days after it with the anniversary of her service of LIFE and burial. Then Easter and Mother's Day and now here we are. June. And I felt this weight lifted off of me. I don't have any really tough days until my birthday in August, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in October and of course the time of being thankful and celebrating Jesus' birth.

But, this week, I have been having a hard time. I started wondering why this is? As if I need a reason to miss my girl. The simple truth is...every single day without her by my side, I miss her in a way words cannot describe. The Lord graciously gives me what I need to endure each moment without her.

Waves is a befitting description of grief. A giant wave just crashed upon the shore of my heart. Most days the waves are small, but they are always there. I have just learned how to keep my balance as they crash around me. Sometimes the sea of grief can seem peaceful and calm...other days, the intensity of the raging water feels like they will knock me over. Take my breath away.

I have noticed that the season of my grief often coincides with the actual seasons. Every season, in some way, reminds me of my girl and makes me miss her in a different way. Right now, we are embarking upon summer...the time of year when Lily's life within me first began. I am reminded of all the memories and emotions associated with that. Autumn reminds me of my pregnancy, pumpkin-spiced lattes, chilly front-porch mornings, and wearing my orange shirt that made me look like a pumpkin ;-) (see photo below). There are so many sounds, sights, and aromas that can evoke an emotion in me. A feeling of missing Lily. So many things remind me of her, all year round.

A cell-phone photo, so bad quality. Oh how I wish I
had many more, high-quality photos from my pregnancy

Before I know it, my birthday will be here. My 23rd...the third one without my girl. I was 19 when I got pregnant with her. That was three years ago, in the summer. As we are in summer now (officially tomorrow) I am just feeling so far away from her. Like I am moving farther and farther from those months and years where she lived. 2009 and 2010. I am getting older, the days, weeks, months, and years are passing by, with no regard for who it leaves behind. I just want to stay put for a moment. I must look at it not as moving farther away from her, but moving closer to her, where we will be together for all Eternity.

There are so many seasons to grief and seasons of love. In this season I am, I am feeling like the whole world is moving on except for me. I feel like I am standing still, frozen in time, while the rest of the world moves at a fast-paced-blur around me. Going on to get married, have babies, get houses...do everything I long to do. My own life at times feels like a blur. How am I already an Ellerslie graduate? There are so many things I wish weren't over yet, so many things I wish to relive, even if for a moment.

Oh, my sweet Lily, who was within me three summers ago...I miss you this season and every season.

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." ~Psalm 55:22

beautiful lilies blooming in our garden :-)

My little one, my dear one, my love,

you will be with me forever:

in the thin sunlight and long shadows

of a clear winter's day;

in the dawn excitement of birds

sounding in early spring;

in the rustle of heavy-leafed trees

in a mid-summer's night;

in the rich aromas and bright colors

of a warm autumn day.

All that is excellent,

brushed by Life's

brightness and shadow,

will remind me of you,

My little one, my dear one, my love.

You will beat with my heart,

see through my eyes,

hear with my ears,

feel on my skin.

Because your soul is mingled with my soul, forever,

My little one, my dear one, my love.

~Edward Searl

All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing. 
I have a reason to worship. I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my 
Victory and He is here. You are here, my Lord.