feelings & truth

On March 17th, the day we had Lily's 2nd Heavenly Birthday balloon release, I was at a party store, picking up the balloons. All the women around me were talking about how they are getting pink balloons for their baby shower, their daughter's baby shower, or a shower they were going to. One lady says, "everyone is having girls!" They proceed to talk about birth experiences, labor and the like. As if this wasn't enough to get me emotional, I see a young couple in front of me waiting in line with a little girl. It's always difficult to see little girls, but I didn't think too much about it...that was, until I noticed they were getting balloons blown up with a big number 2 on them. Yep, that's right, they were getting balloons for their little girl's 2nd earthly birthday party. I thought it was ironic that there I was, getting them for my little girl's 2nd Heavenly birthday balloon release. I felt like I wanted them to know how different our days were. To make sure they knew how blessed they are to have their sweet girl here. I mean, sure, I'll see a lot of little girls that are one or two. But, of all days and times to be in that store, I was there at the same time as them. Our daughters just may share their actual birthday. And even if not their actual day, they are born extremely close together. How different March 2010 was for me than for them. It was such a strange feeling to realize that my daughter would be big like that now! I am telling you, this little girl kept staring at me. It was weird to think Lily would be picking things up off the shelves and showing them to me.

Later that day, I saw neighbors in my friend's culdesac and heard a little girl crying but didn't pay much attention to it. When I was going back inside, two little girls (one maybe four or five and her little one-year old sister) were walking towards me. They were with their grandmother who said, "excuse me, my granddaughter thinks you are her mom and I'm trying to show her that you aren't." Gulp. That's why she had been screaming and crying from across the culdesac. Even when she got right by me, she still thought I was her mother! I will never forget the look of that little girl and how she was desperately reaching her arms out to me. It made me ache to know Lily never got to know me as her mother like that. It made me ache for a child that will reach for me, in a way that a child only reaches for her mother...except in this case when this kid seriously thinks I'm her mom! It was the strangest thing. And the grandmother said I don't even look anything like her daughter who has red hair...


Sigh. 

Or how about Target. I shopped in Target all the time when I was pregnant. There is one only about a mile from my house and I loved just going in there and looking around. I even registered for my baby shower there. So, in the months after first losing Lily, it was bittersweet to be in there. It felt like her store, and it will forever remind me of her. It's not as hard now as it once was, but there will be times where I'll be walking past the baby section and see all the spring clothes for little babies and I'll remember the spring when I was shopping there for my own little baby that I never got to bring home...the little baby that never got to wear any of those clothes. And the tears will come and it will feel so raw and fresh again.

These are the everyday moments that can be the hardest. The moments when nobody else realizes how difficult they are for me. The moments when I'm desperately aching for a child to hold, to raise on earth. The moments when I miss the little girl I had to let go of before I ever even got to know. But, in these moments, my King gently reminds me to give it to Him. He reminds me that I am not to be ruled by feelings and experiences. But truth. And the truth is that my God works all things together for His glory and my good. He desires what's best for me and the legacy of my child and I cling to that truth.


"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." -Philippians 4:4


In the midst of the sorrow, I will rejoice in Him. In the midst of the laughter, I will rejoice in Him. Always. Forever. He is good, no matter what my circumstances or pain. No matter what I face, I am His. No matter where I am in life, He holds me. I will remind myself of all that He's done in my life and cling to the truth that He is my Rescuer and my Redeemer, my Healer and my Friend. My Beloved. I will lift my hands in faith. 


I will believe.

This is a song that has meant so much to me. I pray you are blessed by it today and that you look to the Savior, the one Who holds the world in His hands. No matter what you are facing, He is enough.