Two Years Ago Today, I Held a Piece of Heaven

Thank you so much, Crystal, from Calvin's Cupcakes

"A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in Heaven..."

It's March 16th. It's her day. A sacred day. Forever, I will think of her on this day and it will be set-apart for honoring, remembering, celebrating, and loving my first-born babe. I awoke early this morning, realizing I had slept through the wee hours, like most of the country did two years ago. Most of the country was in dreamland, blissfully unaware of my laboring through the night and going to Rex Hospital, only to discover a short time later that my daughter's tiny heart had stopped beating at some point in the days before. As I replay those events from two years ago, the memories come flooding back. Things I haven't recalled for a long time are fresh.

How might this day have been? Would my little peanut be awake yet, calling to me from her room, too excited to sit still anymore? Would I go to get her from her bed, her beautiful, big blues gazing up at me, capturing my heart once again? This would be the first birthday she understood more what was going on. Even if she didn't completely get it, she would know it was something very special and it was for her. What would the day be like? What things would we have planned for little Lily, all to honor her and make her happy?

Instead of what might have been, we will go down to the North Carolina vital records office to get a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. Something I didn't think I would be getting, but because of a recent law change, I will get this little piece of paper that says she was. I am so thankful for it and have waited to go on the day she was birthed. But, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that two years ago today, I held a piece of Heaven in my arms. For a brief time, I held the little baby girl that has left me changed forever...

Today, her day, I will grieve the little girl that never once took a breath in this world. Yet, each time I take a breath the rest of my life, I will carry her memory and legacy with me, tucked away safely inside. I will grieve my baby, for that's what she will always be to me. Though, I didn't just lose a baby. This March 16th, what would be her second birthday reminds me of that. Time keeps marching on, not caring who it leaves behind. My little baby wouldn't be a baby anymore. She would be TWO! My two-year-old treasure. I lost a toddler getting into mischief, a little girl playing American Girl dolls, a teenager giving her life to Jesus, a grown lady being a voice for unborn life, a mommy to her own babies, grandchildren, great-grandchildren...I lost all the hopes and dreams tied up into this little girl. It wasn't just an idea that I lost. It was a person. A real, important, beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made LIFE.

I feel Lily all around me. And though it makes me tear up to think of my family eating red-velvet cake for a little girl who isn't here to celebrate with us....we will celebrate still. She is here....

"The heart that made you a mother still beats within yours. It beats with every beat of your own." ~Kala Waddell


She is here because I carry her with me. Always.

It is a sad day, but even more so, it is a beautiful day. My friend Faith said not to let me emotions rule, but let joy and praise rule instead. I awoke with tears and a smile...some sad tears, but mostly happy. Happy that she was and will be forever.

I actually have been excited about this day getting here. Last night, I felt the birthday anticipation and it felt good. It is amazing to have a day to call her own. A day where we can CELEBRATE HER LIFE!

This day, as I picture the two-year-old birthday girl, running around the halls with the excitement one gets only on their birthday, I imagine how her little feet might sound. With the ears of my heart, I can almost hear the pitter-patter of her little feetsies running up and down the halls of Heaven. Oh, I can't begin to imagine the glorious celebration over her precious LIFE! :'-)

Earlier today, it was dark and gloomy out, just as it was the day she was born. Just as it was her first birthday. I wonder if perhaps it will be like this each year on her special day, as a reminder that my precious Lord grieves with us. Then, suddenly, unexpectedly, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and a hint of blue could be seen. And it reminds me of this dance of sorrow and joy and how this whole journey is marked by tears of happiness and tears of sadness. God chose for Lily to be born in spring and I know that was not by accident. With spring, comes new LIFE, fresh hope. Even with the loss of Lily, I can have the hope that this sorrow is only for a short while longer. Then I will be with my girl for all of eternity! 

  

"Our LORD has written the promises of THE RESURRECTION, not in books alone, but in every leaf in Springtime." ~Martin Luther

The spring brings hope. It reminds me of the HOPE and LIFE I have in Christ.

Happy second Birthday in Heaven, my darling, set-apart Princess!

"I would rather have had one breath of her hair and one touch of her hand than an eternity without it."


For Lily's birthday, I would LOVE it if you'd light a candle for her, release a balloon for her, eat something red-velvety, eat hashbrowns for my little Spud, or do something special that reminds you of Lily. Then, I'd love it if you told me about it and send me a picture. It means so much to have others honor her with me. :-)

This is a video tribute I made in honor of Lily's special day. It is similar to 
the first one I created in 2010, but I made a lot of changes. For one thing, it 
now includes her actual heartbeat. :-) Be sure to pause the 
music at the bottom of this blog before watching. 

I will be posting later about what we've chosen to do for her very special day.

(Today is the last day to enter into the blog giveaway, in honor of Lily's birthday!)