Happy First Birthday, My Darling

From Calvin's Cupcakes

I feel much as I did last year. Lots of tears, a headache and really bad nerve pain in my back. I really have no idea where that came from. The pain woke me up early this morning and I rolled over to see 6:39 staring back at me. It might have been the very moment last year I found out she was gone. The very moment Dr. M told me her heart had stopped.

The gloomy, gray sky is just as it was last year. At first thought, I wish it was sunny with blue skies. But, this is a small reminder that my precious Lord's heart grieves with my heart. It would feel wrong for people to be bouncing around happily with bright skies. The dark skies almost seem respectful to her. 

I feel my Great Comforter's Hand on my heart today. He whispers to me softly, "I am not far off." Then I envision my tiny helpless babe opening her eyes for the first time and beholding her Creator. Did she know it was Him? And He is so tender and loving with her, speaking gently His words of adoration. 

And He tells me I'm to become like her. (Matthew 18:3)

Become like Lily? Pure. Dependent upon my Father God for all my needs, just as fully as a babe depends.

And I'm reminded of last year on March 16th and how I was so broken that all was left for me to do was cry out for hope, beg for comfort, plead for peace. And He met me there. Oh, He always meets me where I am. And He offered more hope and peace than I ever could have asked for. 

Today is no different. Today my heart breaks all over again and I miss her like I lost her yesterday. And His Hand is on my shoulder and He says He'll cry with me. 

And somehow she doesn't feel too far off today. He is with me and she is with Him.

Happy First Heavenly Birthday, my darling...I can only imagine the celebration...