Michael's

As I've mentioned before, I'm working on my scrapbook for Lily...it's coming along quite nicely. I'm just about done with the hospital pages, and have now begun working on the baby shower pages. (pictures soon.) Anyways, yesterday, I went to pick up some more scrapbook supplies at Michael's. It's extremely difficult to go into that store because I went in there numerous times when I was pregnant with Lily. Every now and then, I get into a crafty-mood and end up making a trip there several times a week. Like, when I had my baby shower, I made homemade invitations, and I kept going back to get more supplies to make the invites just perfect. I spent hours on those invitations. And I ended up keeping two of them for myself, one of each style that I made. They are safely tucked away in my memory chest now. The shower was on February 13, so the theme was around Valentine's Day. Lots of pink, hearts, and chocolate. 

So, yesterday, I'm in Michael's, one of the stores that reminds me most of Lily and my baby shower. And I'm looking for stickers to create the perfect pages to forever document this special day in my life. It has to be perfect. After all, there won't be anymore times where people get together and it's all about Lily. I mean, maybe I'll have a "party" to celebrate her life on her birthdays, but it wont be only full of joy like this day was. I'm just standing there in front of all the scrapbook stickers and the sign hangs overhead, "baby." Why can't there be a section that says, "for your dead baby." I'm having a hard time finding stickers that are appropriate for this scrapbook. I mean, how many people have to make a scrapbook for their dead baby? I'm looking through all the stickers to make sure I find just the right ones and I don't want to miss any. I did end up finding a couple of good packs that will work. I love scrapbooking, I love looking at all the cute little stickers. And I loved looking at them while I was pregnant and dreaming of the day I would go in there and pick out stickers like "potty-training, first tooth, first birthday, coming home from the hospital, second birthday, third birthday..." You get the point. And just because my baby died doesn't mean those stickers aren't there anymore. It doesn't mean other women aren't giving birth to healthy babies. It doesn't mean they won't want to make a scrapbook to document these things. But, I wish I didn't have to see them! Some of the packs of stickers had things that I want for my scrapbook, but I can't use the whole pack because my baby is not alive. I just wish they would stop making these stickers until I have another baby to make a scrapbook for. That sounds so silly, I know. '

So, I'm just standing there. Kind of staring off into space a little bit, not really paying too much attention to what I'm doing. And I'm looking at these packs of stickers, one by one. And wishing that I had the need to buy them. And then I see a young couple, with a baby. And then I started to cry. And I didn't want anyone to ask me what was wrong because I didn't want to have to say, 'oh, it's just hard because I'm trying to pick stuff out to make my stillborn baby a special memorial scrapbook.' So, I'm facing the wall so no one will see and I'm crying over these stickers. I'm crying over what these stickers represent. The life that she never got to live. The firsts that she never got to experience and I never got to experience with her. The teeth that never came in. The potty-training that never got to happen. The first birthday cake that never got to be baked. The steps that were never taken. The playgrounds that one little girl never got to play on. The love that never got to be shared between a mother and her daughter.