an ache in my heart

Oh, there's such an ache in my heart. Such a deep, deep longing. I can't even put words to it. I want to be a wife and mother and spend all my days serving and loving my very own family. God made me for it. And the desire is only getting stronger as time goes on. At work today, I saw three babies. There was a young couple there with their son who was born October 9 of last year. And all I could think to myself was how October 9 of last year was the day I found out Lily was a girl. Every baby I see, I wonder when they were born. I wonder if maybe they were born in March. When I see a baby, I have no idea how old they are. I have no idea just what size Lily would be by now. My heart literally feels like it's aching. My heart is missing Lily. And at the same time, it longs for what's to come. What lies ahead of me? It seems like so many of my friends are getting married. Each time I hear a new announcement, I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. And I wonder, when and if I'll get my turn. Because the thing is, I won't settle for anyone less than a man after God's own heart. And I wonder if anyone like this even exists? I sure hope I can have my own family some day soon. Nights spent by a fire cuddling with my husband, reading stories to a curly-haired baby girl, sipping mocoa cocoa. It feels like an impossible dream. But, I'll go on dreaming. For the first time, my dreams are in alignment with the dreams He's dreaming for me and I trust Him. I really do. I trust that He will bring a man into my life in His perfect time and way. He has never left me or forsaken me, even when I was running from Him! Why would He now? I've messed up so many times in my life. I know God can do a much, much better job than I ever could at scripting my love story and my family story. So, I'll go on dreaming.

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