This Time

I've heard it plenty of times.
Each time, I grin from ear to ear.
Each time, my heart swells within me.
"Lily looks just like her mommy."
I thought so too.
Thank you.
You never got to see her legs, the same shape as mine.
Her nails, a miniature version of mine.
Her lips matched mine as a babe.
Her nose, an exact replica.
Someone said it again last night.
This time, the tears came.
This time, I wonder if she would still look like me, all these months later.
This time, I picture her lifeless body underground.
Still.
Quiet.
Forever.
This time I wonder if her eyes would look like mine.
This time I wonder if her hair would be curly, wild, blonde as mine was as a child.
Would she be short and stocky like I was?
Would she play with American Girl dolls?
Would she this?
Would she that?
If this.
If that.
I cried, thinking of all these possibilities and a life that I'll never know past 40 weeks, 2 days.
40 weeks.
2 days.
That's all I'll ever know.

not afraid

I am not afraid to speak of March 16th, 2010.

5 months

Another month has gone by without my girl. 5 months already?! She would be growing so much.

My 21st Birthday

Today, August 12, I turn 21. My heart is heavy because I'm missing my girl, but I am so blessed by my dear friends and family. So thankful I got to celebrate with my best friend, cousins, mom, grandmother, and siblings :) Jill is also on my heart because her twins, Emma and Chase, are having their 1st birthday in Heaven today. 

We have had the amazing gift of housesitting and dogsitting for a couple that owns a B&B at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia (most beautiful place on earth, in my opinion) for the last several years. This year, we are here for my birthday! I woke up to fresh mountain air, birds chirping, and pure beauty and peacefulness surrounding me.

Birthday breakfast! Bumma's famous mocoa cocoa and omelette, Mission Home pumpkin bread and flowers from my mom :)

Birthday balloons and presents :)

We ate lunch at my favorite restaurant in Crozet, Teresa's Cafe! Their chicken salad sandwich is the BEST! They even gave me a free dessert. :)

We went to go visit "our friend-the tree." He is HUGE!

It's so strange to think of what other 21 year olds are doing to celebrate their 21st birthday, while I visit my daughter's grave...

We had a party in the evening for friends and family. That was nice. At the end of my birthday, we layed on our backs and star-gazed. The sky is so dark and beautiful in Virginia where we're from. Overall, it was a peaceful, lovely day. But, the thoughts of what could have and should have been didn't escape me. We bought a dress for my girl to wear to celebrate her mama's big 21st! We had planned on being at the beach for the day with a friend of ours we met at the LifeCare Pregnancy Center. She was due with her daughter less than two months after me. But, now she has her daughter here, happy and healthy...and I don't. But, obviously what was planned will never be. I just wish my girl was full of LIFE on this day, here to celebrate my life.

Michael's

As I've mentioned before, I'm working on my scrapbook for Lily...it's coming along quite nicely. I'm just about done with the hospital pages, and have now begun working on the baby shower pages. (pictures soon.) Anyways, yesterday, I went to pick up some more scrapbook supplies at Michael's. It's extremely difficult to go into that store because I went in there numerous times when I was pregnant with Lily. Every now and then, I get into a crafty-mood and end up making a trip there several times a week. Like, when I had my baby shower, I made homemade invitations, and I kept going back to get more supplies to make the invites just perfect. I spent hours on those invitations. And I ended up keeping two of them for myself, one of each style that I made. They are safely tucked away in my memory chest now. The shower was on February 13, so the theme was around Valentine's Day. Lots of pink, hearts, and chocolate. 

So, yesterday, I'm in Michael's, one of the stores that reminds me most of Lily and my baby shower. And I'm looking for stickers to create the perfect pages to forever document this special day in my life. It has to be perfect. After all, there won't be anymore times where people get together and it's all about Lily. I mean, maybe I'll have a "party" to celebrate her life on her birthdays, but it wont be only full of joy like this day was. I'm just standing there in front of all the scrapbook stickers and the sign hangs overhead, "baby." Why can't there be a section that says, "for your dead baby." I'm having a hard time finding stickers that are appropriate for this scrapbook. I mean, how many people have to make a scrapbook for their dead baby? I'm looking through all the stickers to make sure I find just the right ones and I don't want to miss any. I did end up finding a couple of good packs that will work. I love scrapbooking, I love looking at all the cute little stickers. And I loved looking at them while I was pregnant and dreaming of the day I would go in there and pick out stickers like "potty-training, first tooth, first birthday, coming home from the hospital, second birthday, third birthday..." You get the point. And just because my baby died doesn't mean those stickers aren't there anymore. It doesn't mean other women aren't giving birth to healthy babies. It doesn't mean they won't want to make a scrapbook to document these things. But, I wish I didn't have to see them! Some of the packs of stickers had things that I want for my scrapbook, but I can't use the whole pack because my baby is not alive. I just wish they would stop making these stickers until I have another baby to make a scrapbook for. That sounds so silly, I know. '

So, I'm just standing there. Kind of staring off into space a little bit, not really paying too much attention to what I'm doing. And I'm looking at these packs of stickers, one by one. And wishing that I had the need to buy them. And then I see a young couple, with a baby. And then I started to cry. And I didn't want anyone to ask me what was wrong because I didn't want to have to say, 'oh, it's just hard because I'm trying to pick stuff out to make my stillborn baby a special memorial scrapbook.' So, I'm facing the wall so no one will see and I'm crying over these stickers. I'm crying over what these stickers represent. The life that she never got to live. The firsts that she never got to experience and I never got to experience with her. The teeth that never came in. The potty-training that never got to happen. The first birthday cake that never got to be baked. The steps that were never taken. The playgrounds that one little girl never got to play on. The love that never got to be shared between a mother and her daughter.

an ache in my heart

Oh, there's such an ache in my heart. Such a deep, deep longing. I can't even put words to it. I want to be a wife and mother and spend all my days serving and loving my very own family. God made me for it. And the desire is only getting stronger as time goes on. At work today, I saw three babies. There was a young couple there with their son who was born October 9 of last year. And all I could think to myself was how October 9 of last year was the day I found out Lily was a girl. Every baby I see, I wonder when they were born. I wonder if maybe they were born in March. When I see a baby, I have no idea how old they are. I have no idea just what size Lily would be by now. My heart literally feels like it's aching. My heart is missing Lily. And at the same time, it longs for what's to come. What lies ahead of me? It seems like so many of my friends are getting married. Each time I hear a new announcement, I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. And I wonder, when and if I'll get my turn. Because the thing is, I won't settle for anyone less than a man after God's own heart. And I wonder if anyone like this even exists? I sure hope I can have my own family some day soon. Nights spent by a fire cuddling with my husband, reading stories to a curly-haired baby girl, sipping mocoa cocoa. It feels like an impossible dream. But, I'll go on dreaming. For the first time, my dreams are in alignment with the dreams He's dreaming for me and I trust Him. I really do. I trust that He will bring a man into my life in His perfect time and way. He has never left me or forsaken me, even when I was running from Him! Why would He now? I've messed up so many times in my life. I know God can do a much, much better job than I ever could at scripting my love story and my family story. So, I'll go on dreaming.

Lily's Treasure Bean

Here is Lily's Treasure Bean, painted with love from Aurora's mommy, Casey, in Canada. She custom painted a Rose and Lily of the Valley... now that's talent! :)

Generations Necklace

My grandmother gave me this necklace on March 27th, 2010 - the day of Lily's memorial service. It symbolizes the four generations... the three pearls symbolize my grandmother, mom, and I... and the stone above symbolizes Lily in Heaven.

Lily's Name Written in the Stars

Lily's name written in the stars by Ireland's mommy, Amanda, from Written In The Stars.