Waking Up

This morning, I awoke with tears in my eyes and such a heaviness weighing down on me. Waking up to a world where she isn't makes my heart ache because my dreams consist of a world where she is. A very real world. With a very real little girl. Last night, I dreamed of her. And you know those dreams that you can feel and it feels so real and you can see and what you see is so vivid? Well, it was that kind of a dream.

And I'm wondering if my dream means something, or if it's just my heart, my soul, my everything, longing for the part of me that's missing. Tell me if you have any ideas of what this could mean...

We were at a party with a lot of other babies and there she was. All of a sudden, she had gotten so big and I remember feeling sad that I didn't have pictures of her when she was smaller. I immediately knew it was her, even though somehow I didn't feel like I knew her because I hadn't seen her for a while, yet deep down I did know her. She had on a shirt that said, "Ginny" (my moms name). Don't ask me why, but it made sense in my dream. She looked just like my mom as a baby, who looked just like me. She had curly, blonde hair and soft, blue eyes. I looked out of the enormous glass window at the beautiful scenery while she played with the other children. We were leaving, walking to the car. I felt the weight of her in my arms. She's getting so heavy. I look down at her little face, smushed up against my chest, her floppy body fast asleep. She was so trusting. She knew I would take care of her and cause her no harm. I took her to the car and placed her in the driver's seat. Kneeling down next to her in the pebble driveway, I stroked my fingers through her soft hair and kissed her smooth, pale skin. I thought to myself, "I thought she was gone?" But, here she was in front of me. I just watched her sleep. I drank in her presence. She fell backwards across the seat and I went around to the other side of the car to pull her up. We drove along an old, rugged road, just me and her. There were no yellow lines winding along as we drove mile after mile, gazing at the lush, green meadows in the distance. She was asleep. I was driving. And things were okay. 

Then I woke up. And remembered...the cold, hard truth. And tomorrow will be four months. And I'm back in this place that I thought I had already passed. This never-ending circle of grief and sadness. This life of everyday missing my girl.

Why do I have to wake up? ... from this dream, from feeling alright...

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