Remember

What does a babe in the womb feel like? I can't remember. What does it feel like to rub your hands over your enormously swollen, nine-month pregnant belly? I can't remember that either. What is it like to waddle from place to place? What is it like to look in the mirror and see all baby? And know that new life is almost here! What is it like for such joy and anticipation to flood through your veins? What is it like to look at your child alive? What is it like when your child looks back at you? What is it like to hear your baby laugh? What is it like to cuddle the most tiny, precious body you could ever imagine? What was it like to hold Lily at the hospital? How exactly did she look? How heavy did she feel? What was her hair like? These memories are fading more and more and I'm terrified of losing them completely. I'm terrified of not remembering everything about her, the only memories I have. I don't want to have to look at a picture to remember. 

What I can remember is how much I miss remembering these things. I miss my girl waking me up in the middle of the night, and it's just me and her alone. I remember how much I miss talking about how Lily was my little dancer because of how much she wiggled and kicked and punched. I remember how we joked and said she was polka dancing, or doing her Irish-jig, among so many other silly dances. I remember that certain holidays are coming where Lily was supposed to be here. I remember how last year I had said, 'well, this is the last Christmas I'll have without Lily.' I remember that March 16 will be coming so soon and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with it. I remember how much I want to be a mother, how much I've always wanted to be a mother. I remember how at the age of six, I used to dream of finding a baby in the grocery store and I had to rescue that baby, I had to take care of her. I remember how hard it is to look at the newest picture you post of your little girl and I just sit there, staring at her eyes, looking at her outfit, admiring her tiny feet. And the longing is there like never before. I was born for this. I believe it's a God-given desire. So, when will I get my chance? 

I remember how every moment of every day I miss her. I remember how my dream my entire life is to be a wife and mother. I remember how this dream has intensified all the more since losing my baby.

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