He put the air back into my lungs

I will carry you. Sweet baby girl. God has been giving me glimpses into the raw pain I was experiencing those first few days and weeks. And I realized...it's only by His grace that I've been getting through this. It's only by His grace that I haven't been feeling that excruciating, heart-wrenching agony that shook me to the depths of my soul.

I listen to the words to the song playing on my blog...I will carry you, while your heartbeats here. Long beyond the empty cradle, through the coming years. I will carry you, all my life. I will praise the One whose chosen me to carry you.

I did carry her all her life. I will carry her with me my entire life. The silence has brought me to His voice. And He's been carrying me. When I'm too weak to stand, let alone walk. He lifts me up over His shoulder, and carries me away to our secret place. 

Here's something from my journal that I've been wanting to share:

Sweet Lord,
I long to be set-apart for You alone. Look at all I've done. Everything in me tells me I'm helpless. Bound to the consequences this world throws my way. But, You tell me otherwise. I feel You whispering to me to let it all go. Fall at Your feet. Worship You. And everything else will work out. You will work it out...Against all odds, against everything the world tells me, You are my light and strength. My salvation. You fill me with good things. You make me want to be like You. To search Your heart. Know the depths of Your soul. Your inner-most being. You are the only beauty I've known. I thirst for Your truth. It's all that I want. All I desire. You are all that I need. All that I need! Make me willing to lay my life out for You, my Prince. To spend my life at Your feet, washing them with my tears. You fill me with these words. They spill out onto the page. Overflowing like honey. Such sweetness is on my lips when I sing praises to You. When my heart speaks into these pages, adoring you. I feel so weak. So sad. So lonely. I'm desperately hurting. But, I feel You there, longing to strengthen me, breathe Your life into me. Give me courage, unshakable confidence, true love. You give me an unspeakable joy and peace, amidst all the chaos and pain. I can't put words to this hope you've stirred within me. This passion that is like a fire in my heart and soul. You are changing me. Breaking me. Molding me. Remaking me. I see it in subtle ways and bigger ways. You long to draw near to me and for me to draw near to You, clinging to You. It's like You know my utter desperation for You. You realize my need for every part of who You are more than I realize it myself. You ignite me. Set a fire to my soul. You want to explore the depths of me. Of all that I am. And I want to, long to, dive into this bottomless ocean of You. Of who You are. Your mercy, love, grace, tenderness. I long to discover who it is You dream of me becoming. What beautiful dreams they must be. Oh, how you're comforting my heart. Soothing my soul. So much more than I could ask for. A mere half hour ago, I was extremely anxious. My heart was beating so fast, tears were welling in my eyes, everything was telling me to be afraid, not to trust You, to cling to my doubt, fear, and anxiety, rather than to You. But, You come to me, in Your ever-faithful, gentle, loving, tender way and whisper truth to every crevice of my inner-most being. I'm looking at things so much differently now. How far I've come in the past year. I was so utterly miserable, heartbroken. Mere words cannot begin to describe the agony my soul was facing. My spirit was gagging. Choking. Desperate. Oh, the desperation of it all. I was so used up, broken, spent. You felt a million miles away. I was as far in the east as You were to the west. And yet, You didn't leave me there. Oh, thank God You didn't leave me there. You wanted better for me, Your beloved bride, Your child, Your love. You fought for me. The chains that the world thought were impossible to break...you broke them. With tears in Your poet eyes and a fire in Your brave and beautiful soul, You took those chains in Your hands and with a Warrior's cry, broke them. Crushed them. Shattered them. Not into two pieces. But, into millions. You can't even tell what those chains were anymore. It's like they were never there. You make it so they were never there. And then You took me over Your shoulder and ran with me. Away to Your castle. I was so vulnerable. In Your strong arms, You delicately placed me down and looked at me so lovingly and adoringly. You nursed me. Nurtured me. I needed You. And You were there for me. You never left me. My Mighty Warrior-Poet! You fought for me! And won my heart. You conquered sin and death. Put the air back into my lungs. The blood into my veins. What great plans You have for me! How You want to bless my life. I hear You say: 'Don't let the world make you afraid. Cling to me. Let me comfort you. Whisper truth and love to you. I am only good. I only want what's best for you. I can defy the odds. I can overcome the world. I am greater than the world'...My sweet Jesus.

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