my Heart and my Mind

At times, I find myself in this surreal state of questioning whether or not this is really my life. My mind says, yes, it is. But, my heart tells me she's here. She's not forever silent. Forever still.


I can go peek over at her in her crib in the middle of the night, just to watch her chest go up and down, in repetitive motions, breathing and existing. I can cuddle with her tiny, warm body snuggled up to me, her eyes locking with mine, gazing into my soul.


She's part of me.


My heart tells me it's still winter, and I'm still waiting in joyful expectation for her life to begin and mine to begin anew, with her. My heart leads me to the baby section to search for pink, frilly outfits, suitable only for a princess.


But, my mind jolts me back to reality, reminding me that yes, this is my forever, continual reality. And yes, she is gone.


No, I never got to hear her cry. No, I never had the chance to gaze into the eyes of this gift, this new life, such a part of me, so fresh from God. She never got to meet her mama, her home for 40 weeks and 2 days, the only world she ever knew. She never got to see the face of the one whose voice was so familiar. She never got to feel my warm skin against hers, my salty tears of joy falling on her beautiful face as I held her for the first time.


No. None of this can be so.


Yet, it is.


I did hold her in my arms. But, never once did she take a breath. Never once have I held my child with life within her. What I know about her is only memories of her in me. My body where she was alive. She was real.


This new soul, created by God. Taken so soon. No cries. No laughter. No birthday parties. No snuggling with mama. No road trips. No wedding. No babies. No future.


Nothing but the imprint left on the hearts of those who will never forget. Who will go on loving. Go on missing. Go on adoring. Only from afar. But, adoring her nonetheless.


Her earthly life, no more.
But her legacy, always...