The Promise of Spring

All week, the skies have been perfectly blue, with white, fluffy clouds sailing by. One afternoon was spent in pleasant conversation with my mother and good friend, Kala. We discussed the set-apart life, deliverances, and everything in between. Fresh, cool breezes circulated through the home, blowing back the curtains, giving us a glimpse of the beauty of the day. Spring has sprung. This is the sort of weather that just makes you feel happy. It makes you want to smile and breathe in deeply. Just soak it up.


But, this spring is different. Days are now bittersweet. With the promise of spring, came the promise of Lily. Like the new life all around me bursting forth from the earth, Lily was new life. We wait. We anticipate. Spring and Lily...they came together. Now, spring will always remind me of the time Lily came...and went. How cruel it seems. Now, I'm not sure what the future holds...I'm not sure what to dream anymore, how to feel. What promises does tomorrow hold? How can all the plants and flowers still look so pretty without her here? They seem so happy. Everyone seems so happy, out playing in the warm weather and sunshine. Spring and summer clothes now being brought out of storage.


I can't blame them though. I would be doing the same thing. I would be out enjoying the beautiful days with Lily, taking walks, reading on the front porch, her laying in her Moses basket, while Mom works in her garden.


But instead of spending my days with my little girl, dreaming for her, I'm spending my days thinking about her, talking about her, longing for her. Writing about her. Writing has been so healing for me these days, like gardening is for my mom. As I write this now, she is bustling around, tidying up the porch, pulling weeds, and getting her yard ready for the season. It's been really good finding websites and other blogs with people who have gone through situations similar to or like my own. I realize I'm not alone. People have gone before me..and made it. Of coarse they don't forget, but they are able to still live. Still breathe. Even without their baby...As much as we don't want to. There's like an online community of women who have lost their babies, all sorts of times and ways. Even though I would never want another woman to have to know this pain, it's good to know I'm not alone...