Community

My grandmother lost her daughter, Rachel Ross, in 1965. Rachel had a heart condition and at just three months old, she died on the operating table. For decades, my grandmother has been finding support through Compassionate Friends. When Rachel died, support groups like this didn't exist. Now, so many years after her loss, my grandmother continues to go to help newly bereaved parents through their loss. 


When I was in my early teens, I started going to Compassionate Friends meetings with her. I wasn't afraid to be around this kind of loss. I so badly wanted to help these parents in their pain and deep, deep sorrow. For Thanksgiving week, I've been visiting in my hometown of Charlottesville, Virginia. On Tuesday evening, I went with my grandmother to a Compassion Friends meeting. I hadn't been since I lost my own daughter. All those years ago when I went, I never thought I'd have to go for the same reason those parents were there. The same reason my grandmother was there. The faces and the stories there made a lasting impact on me and it was wonderful to see them all again. Most people there knew of my loss, but they didn't know all the details. After each person around the table told their story of loss, it was my turn. I didn't realize how hard it would be to tell Lily's story. I go to ParentCare meetings twice a month in Raleigh, but they all know her story. It was good to be there, especially since I hadn't been to my own infant loss group in over a month. The tears came, but tears are so healing. I said what I could and later wished I had said more. But, the people there were so dear to me. They offered such love and support. One lady said she remembers me before I was a mother. That seems like a lifetime ago. It seems like I was a girl then, now I've had to grow up...in good ways and bad ways. I know of the cruelty of the world, I know of loss. I know sorrow I never dreamed possible. Yet, I knew it existed from going to this group all those years ago...Isn't it amazing how God prepares us for what we need years down the road? He's always working, always moving. 


After the group was over, one lady came up to me and said that I put words to how she felt when she lost her stillborn son over two decades ago. That was truly precious. I gave my blog address to everyone and they said they will put it in the newsletter next month.


There was another wonderful lady, whose daughter died earlier this fall. When she heard my story, she mentioned that her neighbor has a daughter who lost a baby, actually four babies. She said she had just published a book and if I'd be in town for a while, she'd see if she could bring me a copy. Well, of course I said I'd love that and today she came over and brought two autographed copies, one for me and one for my grandmother, of Kathleen Olowin's book, Angels in my heart. Apparently, Kathleen and I are from the same hometown. Right when I looked at the cover, I recognized that I had seen it the day before on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope site! I couldn't believe it! What a small world this is, huh? It just reminds me of how tight-knit this babyloss community truly is. Next time I'm in town, I hope to meet Kathleen and remember our babies together. I'm already a third of the way through the book and am really enjoying it...you should get it too! :)

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Lily Remembered in Australia

Lily's name was written in the sand on Christian's Beach in Western Australia by Christian's mommy, Carly Marie at To Write Their Names in the Sand.

From her loving mother's womb to the arms of Jesus

on March 16th, 2010

United States

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; 

may the name of the LORD be praised."

-Job 1:21

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Sometimes all it takes

Sometimes it's the silence that hurts the most. When you're all alone with your thoughts. Thoughts that can take you to a deep place of loneliness. Feeling isolated. When the phone calls stop, the letters no longer come, and the "how are yous?" fade away, all that's left are the memories. The sorrow that comes with all those thoughts of "what ifs?"

Everybody forgets. I wonder if she ever crosses their minds. If I ever cross their minds...or maybe they think it doesn't matter anymore. Maybe they think since it's been almost eight months, I must be over it by now. After all, they see me smiling and laughing.

Yes, life goes on for us all. And how easy it is to get so caught up in our own hectic schedules of kids, husbands, boyfriends, classes, work, friends...whatever it is that keeps us from remembering other's sorrows. Others that can't forget the pain they live with each day. Whether they are going through a divorce, grieving the loss of a parent, or saying goodbye to an infant child. So many hurts come with this fallen world.

Real life happens. But we never forget our pain. Sometimes a simple "how are you holding up?" is all it takes to show someone you haven't forgotten their pain either. It just may make the silence in their life less lonely.

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Part of a Bigger Picture

He's known as Mr. Bill, "grandpa" to her. I never knew Mr. Bill. Well, we never met face to face. But, me and Mr. Bill, we're kindred spirits. Late on October 31st, this ninety-two year old World War II Veteran went home to be with Jesus. He waited a long time to meet his first Love.

I went to be there for her, my best friend. Saying "goodbye for now" is a hard thing to do...this I know too well. She was there when I had to say goodbye, so I wanted to be there when she had to say goodbye. I thought that was the only reason I was meant to go...I had no idea that Mr. Bill would teach me something, without a word. Just like she did.

The service was one of the most beautiful I've seen. Hope was written all over their faces..Hope of being together again with this man, this father, this grandfather, this friend. The words spoken for this man were not empty, like most funerals I've seen. It wasn't a sad day, but a joyful day! Tears flowed down my cheeks because the promise of Heaven for this man was sure. We all knew it. It's rare to see someone love Jesus like this man. This gentle soul who lived a simple life, yet loved with all he had. I see God in the legacy of this man. This man that never spoke a word to me, yet he'll be a lifelong friend of mine. We love the same Lord. Our hearts both beat for this man named Jesus. And one day, one day I'll get to meet him face to face.

I rejoiced for this man, my brother in Christ because he gets to be where there's no more pain, no more tears, no more physical ailments that come with having lived ninety-two years on this earth.

Saying goodbye to someone whose lived ninety-two good, long years is bittersweet. Bitter because you miss his presence, yet sweet because he's brand new. As I sat listening to all the kind words spoken for this man that fought for his country and fought in the army of the Lord and I saw pictures of his life on the big screen, my mind takes me back to the last funeral I went to, seven and a half months ago. And the fact that ninety-two years are between this man and my little girl seems so unfair. It seems like he got a chance at life, she didn't. Was she not as important as him? I listened to story after story and got to know this man.

For him, we grieve all that was. For her, we grieve all that will never be.

Yet, each life is sacred, precious to Him. Each life was set-apart for the purposes of the Lord and it doesn't matter what I want or what any of us want. We are only called to fulfill His will for us, whether that takes nine months in the womb or ninety-two years on the earth. We're all part of a bigger picture. And without a word, they have both taught me so much.

"I praise You because (Mr. Bill and Lily) are fearfully and wonderfully made;
   Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

My friend Kala shared this at her grandpa, Mr. Bill's, funeral:

A short time ago, or maybe a long time ago (time feels different here), God let me be part of a blessed conversation that would offer comfort and peace, and laughter and tears. It happened in my grandfather's living room. Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Daniel, Thomas and I were sitting in Grandpa's home. We were talking about the new floors he just had put in to that old house. I can recall the words renting and selling; or we could have been talking about something else, but that’s not the part I remember. And then my grandpa said, “Well, you know; when I leave here, ya’ll can rent out the house, you might be able to get something out of it.”

“Leave? Well, where are you going?” My mom said. My grandpa just looked at her. He looked at us all.

Like the answer to that question had already been carved into his heart and pumped through his veins with every new breathe he took.

"Where am I going?" He stated, matter-of-factly, finger pointed upward to the Heavens “Well, I'm goin' Up Yonder!” And we all laughed and today I smile and cry, because God gave this conversation to us to remember on this day.

But sometimes it’s hard to look at situations like these and hear words put together by people who might not understand, for a purpose they probably don't fully grasp (I know I don't), when they say “He’s in a better place,” and then I'm supposed tell my mind and my heart that today is a day to rejoice. Because we are earthly-minded creatures by disease. And somewhere in between life and death; love happened. Love happened to us all and we are left forever changed. And now it’s gone. And what’s left feels like an empty house that was once filled with children and grandchildren and family and LOVE. But now it’s empty, empty but overflowing with memories and feelings of times past, all these that we hold on to, while simultaneously realizing that nothing will be the same as it was.

But God stops me where I'm at, for I am weak. And then He comes to me and says, "Let me carry it for you. I will show you the way." And then I start to realize that I was not meant for earthy-mindedness, but to become spiritually-minded. To put my eyes to the things of God. To recognize that today is the greatest day that grandpa’s soul has ever seen. And I know that there’s a great party up yonder to welcome him home. And I can see my grandma with her new and perfect eyes, taking his hand and placing it in the hand of Jesus, his eyes fixated on the radiating Light. And Jesus walks with him, and places it in the Hand of the Father. And with his new and perfect ears, grandpa hears the whisper, “Welcome home, beloved son, welcome home”.

A rose and lily from Grandpa Bill's funeral

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Lily's Forever Remembered Photo Collage

Jessica from Forever Remembered Photo Collage created this beauty for me in honor of Lily.

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Cherishing each moment

A rich walnut and chocolate aroma fills the October air as I sit here sipping coffee in an over-sized chair. This time of year, I'm reminded of years gone by, Octobers gone by...as a young girl spending hours adoring and accessorizing Addy, Josephina, Samantha, and Kaya. And then several Octobers later, as a preteen, with the dolls as lovely as ever, yet tucked away on the shelf, for I was far too concerned with make-up, fashionable clothes, and fitting in to give them much thought.

My mind wonders to thoughts of what Octobers not-yet-lived will bring. And I must remind my heart to slow down, there is a season for everything. Yet, the yearning for those hoped-for days runs so deep that at times I wish that tomorrow I would wake up on a brisk morning ten years from now and find myself nestled in bed in a cottage painted pink, with my husband's chocolate brown eyes gazing back at me...trying to catch a moment just to be before our bundled-up blessings come tumbling down the hallway, pouncing on the bed and begging mommy and daddy for kisses. I long for those days that I will see God in the yellow, orange, and red leaves falling off the trees we call ours and the joy of being entrusted with children that have the fingerprints of God all over them. 

Jim Elliot once wrote, "Wherever you are, be all there." These days, I'm finding it hard to be right where I am, when my dreams are so vivid, so alive. I find myself wishing I was there where my heart longs to be. He gently whispers to me, "Find satisfaction in Me, wherever you are...Romance can be found in every moment, if you allow Me to be your all."

Each moment is sacred, an adventure of learning to love like Jesus, learning to laugh 'til your belly hurts, learning to slow down and simply be, learning to find romance everywhere you look. 

I'm all in.

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The Sweetness of a Little Girl

Following is the sweetest letter at the back of Dr. James Dobson's most recent book entitled Bringing Up Girls:

Dear Dr. Dobson,

Today is the sixth anniversary of the day my precious little girl, Delaney, went home to live with Almighty God.  As my family and I remember with tears, smiles and confident thoughts of seeing her again one day, I can't help but think of you as you are writing Bringing Up Girls.

Although we had only sixteen short months with her, Delaney is a special gift.  As the father of one boy already at that time (now two), I can tell you that she was a completely different being.  From the time my boys were old enough to reach out and hug me, I always got the sense that they were practicing their headlocks, which they now use on me every chance they get.  To receive a hug from Delaney, however, was an altogether different experience.  She never tired of melting into my arms and burying her tiny face deep into my neck.  She was pure love.  She was my "Sweet Delaney Pie."

When sharing our story with others, especially parents, I am always careful to convey the most important perspective that God has blessed us (yes, blessed us) with through our tragic loss.  I always say to them, "I can live my life here on earth without my precious Delaney, but I cannot possibly conceive of spending eternity without any one of my children."  God has made the significance of this perspective so very clear to my wife, Becky, and me, and we are eternally (literally) grateful.  I wish this truth could become as clear to every parent without having to go through such a tragic experience as ours.

Even through all we've learned, we are still not perfect parents, but we don't have to be perfect in order to pass along God's eternal perspective.  Our sons speak often and with confidence of  "our sister, Delaney, who lives in heaven."  They also smile as they talk about what they will do together when they finally get to see her.  The faith of children is so pure.  I love that.

I don't know what Delaney will look like when I see her again.  Will she still be a little girl, or will she have grown to be a beautiful woman?  No matter.  We will embrace, and I will weep flowing tears of joy for a long, long time.  I will weep because the pain of her death will be gone forever.  What will be left will be the only thing that matters:  we will share eternity together.

May God bless you, Dr. Dobson, as you write this book, that your readers will take seriously the responsibility of raising, protecting and loving these special gifts - these tender, loving, precious little girls God has entrusted them with.

Your brother in Christ,

Mark

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I Will Carry Her

I carry her with me always. As I dance through the day, busying about with this and that. Through all the things that must be done, she is alive in my heart. She is always on my mind. Just one thought of her and I smile. She brightens my heart and my life. I am blessed to know her.

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A Picture for Remembrance Day

My friend Candy edited this photo of me and Lily for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

She said, "A gift to you Hannah, in Lily Katherine's loving memory."

It's so precious and a sweet surprise.

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Hospital Care Packages

I'm working on hospital care packages for families who must go home with empty arms...I would appreciate ideas of what to include in the boxes. Thanks! :)

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October 15th Raleigh Remembrance Service

Last night, my sister, mom, best-friend, twin brothers and I went to a special October 15th service for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This was the first year that I even knew such a day exists. 

This is what the event is all about:

October 15th Raleigh is a community wide event held in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child.

October 15th Raleigh is an effort to bring comfort, healing and unity to parents in the Triangle who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss. October 15th Raleigh allows parents to openly remember their loss and to have their loss recognized.

The service was held at Journey Church in Raleigh, NC at 7 p.m. It was absolutely beautiful. There was beautiful music, a time of babies names being read (including Lily's), a time of sharing, and everyone lit candles in honor of our precious babes in Heaven. 

I got to meet the lady who coordinated the entire thing and she knows who I am because she's read my blog. My blog is listed on the October 15th Raleigh website. 

I wore my Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope shirt that I recently got with Lily's footprints on the back.

I took the opportunity to share a bit about my vision for donating hospital comfort boxes to grieving parents. I saw some of my friends from my local infant loss support group at the service. And I met a new friend named Wendy who has has two miscarriages.

I am thankful for an evening of remembering my sweet Lily girl. It feels good when others also see how much her life matters.

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2010

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

Today we remember all babies whom we carried but never met, all babies born sleeping, those we have held but could not take home, or those that came home but did not stay nearly long enough. 

There is a service at 7 this evening in Raleigh at Journey Church. 

Please come and celebrate Lily's life with me. If you cannot make it tonight here in Raleigh, light a candle at 7 pm (your local time) in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. ♥

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A Night with the Chapmans

Tonight, my family and I had the blessing of spending "A Night with the Chapmans." Steven Curtis Chapman, his wife Mary Beth, and their sons Caleb and Will Franklin, are on tour as a family this fall.

Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise album has helped heal my heart in so many ways. Each song speaks to me in a way that only a bereaved parent can understand. My aunt gave it to me for Mother's Day this year and I have listened to it and cried as I sing along to it countless times since then.

My friend Dayna went with me to the concert as well. Her mother passed away last November, so we really connect in our grief and loss. 

The concert was such a precious time of tears and laughter. It was such a gift to hear the songs that have come to mean so much to me in person, which is much different than hearing them on a CD.

The evening was so meaningful, with Mary Beth speaking, the boys performing, and of course SCC performing. I will forever treasure the memory of this night...

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From Kalialani

Thank you Leila's mommy, Kalialani, for honoring Lily by writing and photographing her name.

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Life on a screen

September 21st, 2010


A year ago today I saw the first evidences that there was life inside my womb. Pulling into the LifeCare Pregnancy Center, my heart was pounding. I didn't know what to expect, I simply knew I was going to be a witness to the miracle of life. The very hand of God was at work within my womb, shaping and creating this wonderfully and fearfully made individual. He already knew her long before I did. He knew her spirit long before I even knew I would have a beautiful daughter named Lily one day. I was barely 15 weeks pregnant. For three and a half months, she had been alive. I had wanted to have an ultrasound a month before this, but it didn't work at out the Pregnancy Center in Charlottesville. I had wanted to have one the week before at LifeCare, but with only one ultrasound machine, we moms had to wait. So, there I was...September 21st, 2009. I had waited for this day my entire life. The day that I would see with my own two eyes that I was a mother. We went back to the little room and I got up on the table. It was 9:30 in the morning. Right across from me, hanging on the wall was a picture of a Lily. My heart already knew she was a her. Doctors didn't have to tell me that. My heart was bonding with her heart, with my little girl's heart. Months later when I went back into that same room where I saw her for the first time, the picture was gone. Strange. I wanted to take a picture of it to put in my scrapbook.


The cold gel was put on my belly and the wand started moving around. I held my breath in anticipation. There she was on that screen. She must have known that we were watching her, so she decided to give us a little show. She was dancing and squirming all over the place! Flip, flip, flip. Laughing, I joked, "If this is any indication of what's to come, I'm gonna have my hands full." She was so tiny. Yet so developed, so full of life. She was my baby and I was amazed at what God was doing. I was amazed at the miracle of life. And I'm still amazed. 


"I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14

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Lily Remembered in Oregon

Lily's name was written in the sand on a beach in Seaside, Oregon, by Leila's mommy, Kalialani!

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PAIL Seashell Heart

Corinne's mommy, Tami, came up with this beautiful project for October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. She wrote the names of babies on seashells, photographed them individually, and then all together in a heart. :)

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Lily's Pumpkin

Thanks to Alexandra's mommy, Maggie, for sending me this pumpkin Lily photo. I'm missing her on what should be her first Fall "on the outside."

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Happy 1st Birthday, Jonathan

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Remembered with Graffiti

Sarah honored all the precious babies who were born and lost in 2010 with graffiti, in recognition of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

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Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

 October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Please join me in remembering Lily Katherine and the many other babies and their families who have had to say goodbye far too soon. 

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"Lily Marks"

I have struggled a lot with having stretch marks on my stomach from pregnancy, with nothing to show for it. Other mothers who have these marks have a baby in their arms to make up for it. A baby that says this is where these marks are from and it was worth it.

I saw this picture on Facebook that brought tears to my eyes. This is what it says:

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's ok. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be."

These marks feel ugly at times to me, but truly they are a gift... they are a reminder that Lily really, truly was here. She lived, she was real, she matters. My womb was the only home she ever knew. My love and the love of Jesus is all she'll ever know. I call my stretch marks my "Lily marks" because they are the last physical reminder I have left that Lily grew within me for all those beautiful months. Those marks say I am a mother. They are a reminder of the sacred time I carried my girl. Lily was worth every mark. 

I would choose LIFE again all over again, even if I knew from the beginning I'd end up with a completely different body than I had when I was 17. Even if I knew I'd end up with stretch marks and a baby I hold in my heart, rather than my arms. A mark for every stretch, every yawn, every hiccup, every day of her brief but brilliant life... she is so worth it.

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Meaning and Significance of Lily Katherine's Name

 “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens.” ~Song of Solomon 2:2

{Lily Katherine}

A gift from Marcia

"It is amazing what beauty that one flower will give to her surroundings. She can be in an environment of bleak ugliness, however just her presence can transform her surroundings. This is exactly the way a faithful daughter can be a transformer and shining light to the world around her."

And this is exactly what my flower, my Lily Katherine, did in my life. She changed my heart, she changed the road I was walking on, she changed my future, she changed everything...rather, Jesus changed everything through her life. I treasure her name. To me, it is not simply a pretty name. The flower and name are so meaningful and significant to me. This is how L.K. got her name...

When I was 19, I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy out of wedlock. I had so wanted independence and freedom, yet ironically found myself in bondage. The Lord showed me that this child was a gift and though she was conceived in sin, she was not the sin. From the beginning of my pregnancy, before any doctor told me anything, I knew in my heart that my girl was indeed, A GIRL. It was as if God Himself whispered to me, "you are carrying a precious little girl and her name is Lily."

On September 5, 2009 (when I was still in my first trimester of pregnancy), I wrote the following in an email to a friend,

"For some reason, I feel like the baby growing in me is a girl! And I've been calling her Lily...from the verse in Song of Solomon, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." Out of my sin and darkness, I know the Lord will do something very special with this little one."

I knew in my heart that the God of the universe was knitting together a very special little girl, quietly hidden within my womb. I knew how special she was to Him. She was almost aborted. In fact, the appointment was set up at an abortion clinic. Yet, Jesus supernaturally intervened in my heart and life. He broke the chains of bondage. He used her life to bring me back to Himself.

Lily was the bridge between me and my Savior.

Lily means purity and innocence. Also a symbol of beauty. The Lord was bringing beauty from ashes, light out of my darkness. He showed me that this precious life that grew within was a symbol of my renewed innocence and purity in Christ. In Him, I am washed whiter than snow (Isaiah 1:18). I am redeemed, because of His shed blood.

When I was praying about her middle name, after I found out conclusively she was a she, the name Katherine kept coming to me. For quite sometime, it remained in my heart. I wanted her middle name to be as meaningful as her first name, specifically chosen by God. I had no idea at the time that Katherine also means purity.

Both her names, both mean purity. Look how God's fingerprint was all over naming her. He cares deeply about each aspect in our lives. He cares about each unborn life.

And yes, that's Katherine with a K. After all, "Katherine with a 'K' is so much more alluring than Catherine with a 'C.' A 'C' always looks so smug." ~Anne of Green Gables :-)

As if this wasn't beautiful enough...

On March 16, 2010 (two days after my due date) I showed up at the hospital to deliver my little girl, only to discover her heart had stopped beating at some point in the days before. I was devastated, yet the Lord brought such peace. I knew that He would speak through her life how each life is so precious and valuable to Him. This little girl that never took a breath, never spoke a word, was used to bring me back to Jesus!

It was in that moment that He revealed to me an entirely new, amazing, beautiful aspect to her name. And how He knew her, her name and the purposes of her life long before I ever knew she would be. Not only is she a symbol of my renewed purity in Christ, but she will forever be pure and innocent. Spotless. Untainted by the world and sin, never to know pain or suffering. She only knows the beauty of Heaven and the love of her family and King Jesus. She opened her eyes to see His face. His face, the first she ever beheld. What an amazing gift...

I love my girl's beautiful name. The spelling, the way it sounds, the way it looks written out. It's a timeless, old-fashioned, feminine name. 

Lily Katherine will forever remain my set-apart princess, who was betrothed to the King before her birth. And now every time I see a lily, I will think of her and remember how she danced into my life one moment and left the next...but she has left me changed forever...

"A tiny flower, lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in Heaven."

"I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys." ~Song of Solomon 2:1

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This is a beautiful acrostic that my blogger friend, Amy, created for me. :-)

L- is for how much your mother LOVES you.
I- is for how IMPORTANT you will always be to your mommy.
L- is for the difference your LIFE has made.
Y- is for how much your mom YEARNS to hold you.

K- is for how your memory is KEPT alive in your mommy's life.
A- is for the ARMS of Jesus who holds you close.
T- is for the precious TIME that your mom got to have with you.
H- is for HOW Jesus was with you and mommy since your beginning.
E- is for EACH life you have changed.
R- is for how you will always be REMEMBERED.
I- is for the INSPIRATION your life has been to many.
N- is for how your mommy will NEVER forget you precious Lily.
E- is for EVERY blessing you brought to her life.


You may have noticed Lily's name written in all sorts of ways and places. Her name means so much to me because it is what I have left of her. One only gets a name when they are real. It means so much to me when people honor her name in some way. She's been honored from Australia to Hawaii and everywhere in between. If you'd like to do something special for Lily Katherine, I would love that! You can email it to me at roseandherlily@gmail.com and I will add it to her name gallery. :-)

I'd love you to share the significance and meaning of your name or your child/children's name. :-)

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